Microsoft Windows is a family of operating systems designed to drive you to madness.

Just The Facts

  1. First developed in 1985 as an add-on to MS-DOS
  2. It is the dominating operating system with 89% of the market share
  3. Windows is known to be vulnerable to viruses
  4. PC fanboys, admit it: Windows kind of sucks

History of Windows

Microsoft Windows has its history rooted in the heart of the early Silicon Valley technology scene. Xerox (yep, they used to make computers until some idiot decided that copiers were way more fucking exciting) had developed a revolutionary computer in late 70s called the Xerox Alto. It was the first computer ever to have a GUI, or Graphical User Interface. What that means is that instead of having the basis be the command line, or this:


The Xerox Alto used bitmapped graphical displays and the first ever mouse and arrow to carry out computing tasks. In other words, it used this:

See? Just like today!

Then one day in the early 80s, Xerox invited Steve Jobs and some Apple engineers to see their revolutionary new product. Extremely impressed, Jobs worked up an agreement with the head of Xerox in which Apple would be allowed to develop its own GUI in exchange for Xerox giving a blowjob to Job's massively inflated dick ego. A few years later, and with significant help from Bill Gates (yep, he was the Mac's biggest 3rd-party supporter), Apple released the first Macintosh to acclaim and relative success.

What Apple or Xerox didn't know was that while Gates was developing applications for the Mac, he had laid down his own plans for a GUI operating system, and by 1985, a year after the Macintosh's introduction, the first edition of Microsoft Windows was released. Now this was a shitty operating system. Look at it:

File > Open > what_the_fuck.doc

However, the first versions of Windows weren't stand-along operating systems. They were an alternative interface that was used on top of MS-DOS, Microsoft's popular command-line system. In other words, Windows 1.0 was a pornstar: looked nicer, but there was no content. It wasn't until the release of Windows 3.0 in 1990 that it became its own full-fledged operating system. Featuring a cleaner, easier-to-use interface and tighter file management, it replaced Apple's Mac OS as the market leader and then fucked its mother. GUIstyle.

Guess who didn't like that. Apple. They sued Microsoft and HP for stealing the "look and feel" of Apple's Mac OS. This included the windows themselves, their shape, the "File, Edit" bar, and the fact that the windows overlap. For comparison, here are the two operating systems back to back. Guess which one is which.

There's some joke in there somewhere.

However, because Apple based their system off of the Xerox Alto, Xerox sued Apple mid-trial for taking their revolutionary interface. They ran out of luck because the statute of limitations had expired. Xerox has been kicking themselves ever since. After a lengthy four year trial, Apple eventually lost as the court upheld that that they were being too faggy in their demands, except for the trash can. Apple won the claim that Microsoft had copied their trash can, so they just changed it to the Recycle Bin. Oooooh snap.

Then 1995 happened, and it's the year responsible for Microsoft's desktop dominance. By 1995, Microsoft was done with its new operating system, codenamed Chicago. This operating system would change the world. What did Microsoft name such a landmark product? Oh, they just named after what year it was released? That's fucking dumb. Anyways, a huge marketing campaign featuring The Rolling Stone's "Start Me Up" was implemented to promote the new operating system. The biggest change of all?

This old fella.

Within a year of its release, Windows 95 became the most successful operating system ever released. For many users, this was either their first operating system, or the first operating system they used the Internet with (read: watched porn on). Yep, released just as the Internet became mainstream, Netscape's Navigator browser connected many people to the World Wide Web for the first time. When Microsoft saw that someone else was experiencing success, it almost shat itself and scrambled to make Internet Explorer the default Windows browser, effectively putting Netscape out of business. It has been the shittiest web browser ever since.

Internet Explorer 1: Pure, concrete failure

After Windows 95, a few other updates were released, including Windows 98 and Windows NT, but nothing major. The next incremental update came in the form of Windows 2000 released in... yeah. Windows 2000 sported an updated interface, security improvements (even though it became the single most infected operating system of all time), and a new file-management system called Windows Explorer. Fucking yawn.

The only somewhat interesting aspect of Windows 2000 was the inclusion of Microsoft Office 2000. When people opened up the new version of Word and began writing their Pokemon / Yugioh fanfics, they were greeted by this infamous instigator:

Clippy, fuck you to a thousand deaths

Next came Windows XP, or what you're probably running as you read this article. It was noted for sporting very few under-the-hood changes, and was almost identical to Windows 2000, except with one very important distinction.


Windows XP remained very popular, and still does to this day, despite the release of Windows Vista. Highly anticipated but widely panned for its mismanagement of memory, security and price date, Vista was like the Chinese Democracy of computer software. In fact, after two years of being readily available, Vista still trails the market-share of XP. It's like Microsoft named Windows XP perfectly because they couldn't live up to its enormous success with Vista, so XP is literally forms a smiley with closed eyes and is sticking its tongue out at Vista. Microsoft designed a product to mock their later failures.

Current developments in the Windows world include the availability of the Windows 7 Release Candidate, which features a new taskbar and some core desktop changes.

Steve Ballmer currently oversees Windows development, so you can tell you're in good hands.


Ever since Windows' beginning, the operating system has been plagued with interface issues and user problems. Some of the more recent complaints stem from Vista, in which you have to go through FIVE dialogue boxes to delete something. Other complaints are regular slowness, vulnerability to viruses, etc, etc.

Oh, and this asshole:


The Blue Screen of Death, or BSOD, pops up on your computer if something horribly wrong has occurred and shuts down your computer to prevent any further damage. However, we must give credit to Microsoft for at least being kind enough to tell the user that something went wrong. In early versions of Windows, users were bombarded with this terrifying message everything time their computer took a dump: