Google is a web-based company whose services you use to search for porn.

The rough draft for Google's corporate strategy, circa 1995.

Just The Facts

  1. Seriously? Do you not know what Google is?
  2. Oh, you don't... Sorry.
  3. Um... Google is a web company centered around its popular search engine
  4. Also known for services like Google Earth, Maps and AdSense
  5. Currently thiiiiiiis close to taking over the Internet

Cracked on Google

Google is one of the most popular websites on the Internet and is making promising forays into the Outernet. It's so popular that in 2006, the world "google" made it into Webster's dictionary as "Using the Google search engine." Yep, we're not even kidding. Google functions as a search engine that catalogs keywords, metadata and links in web documents to return accurate search results. In fact, to increase ease of use and searching speed, Google recently introduced a new feature called Google Suggest. It fills out the text you're entering and tries to predict what you're going to search for.

Five million results. Think about that for a second.

In addition to its market-leading web search, Google offers popular Image searches as well. By analyzing surrounding text and Photobucket or Flickr tags, Google can bring up images that fit your search query. However, many have been critical of Google's Image Search for the ineffectiveness of its filtering features. Google Image Search is set to Moderate SafeSearch by default, though it can be set to Strict or shut off entirely, effectively making Google Images a giant porn index. The criticism arises from when adult images leaks on to pages with SafeSearch on. For a terrifying rundown of pages that turn up porn with filters on, head over to this section of the PWoT Forums.

The root of Google's success

Other services Google provides are Gmail, Blogger, Picasa, Google Earth, YouTube, Google Maps, Android (a cellphone OS), Google Chrome and, recently, Google Chrome OS, a full-fledged Linux-based operating system. Because of Google's success in these fields, Silicon Valley grumpard Microsoft has gotten pissed off and has tried to combat the rise of Google. We'd like to think Microsoft and Google's relationship went like this:

: Hey look at our cool new search engine!

: Damn, that's impressive. We give you six months.

: What?

[ Six months later ]

: Hahahaha! Bow down to the power of Live Search!

: No, we're focusing on Gmail right now.

: But you could just use Hotmail.

: Fuck you, old man.

[ One year later ]

: Hey you know that cool video website YouTube?

: Yeah, we were thinking about tak-

: It's ours.

: Motherfucking shitburger. Well, Windows Mobile is really successful!

[ Two years later ]

: Android is gaining marketshare.

: Um... Internet Explorer is still dominant!

: Chrome, bitch.

: Well, we still have our dear flagship product Windows. Try to beat that.



Another interesting feature about Google is that it keeps statistics of searching trends. Creatively named Google Trends, the services catalogues pretty much all searches ever made, and you can compare different inputs to see what was more searched, and when. That might sound boring, but you can unveil gems like these:

There has to be some catch

Besides the perplexing spike in "granny sex" popularity in early 2006, what's even more bizarre are the countries who helped "granny sex" attain popularity.

Germany has nearly 100 percent more "granny sex" searches over "naked chicks." No wonder these guys lost World War II.

Google logo

Because of Google's rapid ascension atop the Web food chain, its simplistic multi-colored logo has become somewhat of a pop culture icon itself. The logo is often specialized on major holidays or significant birthdays, and these are known as Google Doodles. Cracked submitted its idea for a Google Doodle for Google's consideration. We don't normally let out information like this, but you'll get a sneak peak of Cracked's Doodle design:

They haven't gotten back to us for some reason

Follow the author of this topic on Twitter: @alexfurlin