Thanksgiving is probably the most hit or miss holiday of the year. Like it or not, there are certain traditions you're going to have to navigate. Here's why you should choose wisely ...

Image by AceJustice.

The Food

Thanksgiving that wonderful Thursday each year when we gorge on food that we all love but for some reason only eat on Thanksgiving.


Without turkey, there is no Thanksgiving. We don't care if you have to get that shit in a can, you need turkey.


A delicious mix of bread, vegetables and herbs, crammed up the hollowed out asshole of a large dead bird.

Cranberry Sauce

Some people make it from scratch, others like the lumpy stuff. Both look like bloody frog eggs. Nothing beats the thick, gelatinous mass of can-shapped love that is "jellied" cranberry sauce.


Breads that make sure you can soak up any gravy not used for other foods. gravy should not go to waste, and nothing soaks it up better than bread loaded with butter.

Mashed Potatoes

Provides an edible bowl for butter and gravy. Pretty good in their own right, but absolutely necessary for gravy storage.


Happiness flavored brown, makes even dry turkey delicious.

Green Beans

Required eating and they provide a nice splash of color. You must eat your beans or you don't get any pie.


Apple and/or Pumpkin pie are the perfect capper for the giant meal you just ate. They remind you why you have vague memories of trying not to vomit the year before, and ensures that if you do, it will taste sweet.

Turkey Alternatives

Okay, so some people can't have turkey, or for some ungodly reason don't like it. Then there are those who are morally opposed to eating an animal. Whatever their misguided reason, some people just don't eat a whole turkey, so here we will list some of the alternatives, which will be rated from 0 to 10 based on how good they are at replacing a turkey.


It's not turkey, but no one can badmouth pig. They are smart, but more importantly, tasty. No part of a pig doesn't taste good, and the ham is second only to bacon.

Substitution Rating: 7

Turkey Roast

With a subtle inversion of the words, the entire meaning is changed. A turkey roast is various turkey parts scraped together and pressed into a mass that vaguely resembles a pork roast, ergo, "Turkey Roast". It retains much of the awesome of turkey, so it is a suitable substitute.

Substitution Rating: 8

Roast Beef

It happens. Roast beef is good, but it just doesn't say "Thanksgiving" so much as it says "this almost sounds like soemthing from the Grinch movie", which puts it off by one holiday. It doesn't suffer to poor a rating because leftovers can be served on a sub roll with grilled onions and shitloads of cheese.

Substitution Rating: 5


Seriously, a chicken? What the fuck? Go buy a turkey you cheap asshole. Hell, if it's "too much", they sell turkey breasts you can prepare the same way. Even KFC doesn't really count, unless a pack of wild bloodhouds ate your turkey. Then KFC is perfectly cool.

Substitution Rating: 3 or 10, depending on where the chicken is from and why you need it.


Okay, let's be honest; if your beliefs require tofurkey, then it is time to seriously rethink them. Most people who would consider this monstrosity a okay alternative are likely to have a "Live naturally" bumper sticker on their hybrid and brush their teeth with organic baking soda. That said, there is nothing remotely natural looking about a grey lump of turkey shaped tofu stuffed with vegetables. Fuck tofurkey.

Substitution Rating: -4


A turkey, stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken, stuffed with stuffing. Ho. Ly. SHIT. These things are the perfect storm of dead bird. Deep fry that fucker and God himself gives thanks.

Substitution Rating: 11

The True Love Roast

Its English, its actually for Christmas, and it makes the sheer awesomeness of the Turducken look like a clumsy fat kid in clown shoes.

The full article is linked below.

Thank you to Yowhound for bringing this to our attention.

This is what the site has for a caption for that image:

"1. Turkey, 2. Goose, 3. Barbary duck, 4. Guinea fowl, 5. Mallard, 6. Poussin, 7. Quail, 8. Partridge, 9. Pigeon squab, 10. Pheasant, 11. Chicken, 12. Aylesbury duck"

Just, God....

Yowhound's suggestion:

Substitution Rating: 1

We are inclined to agree. Good job Great Britain, way to earn that Great. And to prove Americans aren't alone inour love of excess.