Country music is a mystery to everyone who's not a fan. An obnoxious, borderline retarded mystery. Our attempt to make sense of it without having to listen to a single song:

Just The Facts

  1. Country music has existed for almost a century, and is still very popular.
  2. It is biggest in the US, but also has followings in Australia and Germany. We don't know why either.

Origins of Country Music

Country music began almost 2000 years ago, when it was given to mankind by Jesus. Unfortunately they were not yet cool enough to appreciate it, and Jesus was like 'I'm out of here'. Jesus also played the guitar and wore a cowboy hat, but this was cut out of the bible by the haters.

In the early 20th century a team of explorers led by Professor Hank Williams, Ph.D., stumbled across the Shroud of Turin in Italy. When they touched it, they became possessed with the spirit of Country. They brought it back to America, which was the right thing to do.

Williams then invented a time machine and travelled back in time in order to use country music to inspire the American Revolution.

In the 1940s, God told a young herdsman named Chet Atkins to leave his home and wander in the wilderness. Eventually he directly him to a place to dig in the ground, from which flowed a pure spring of healing water. This spring became Nashville, Tennessee. This place is rumored to now be the home of country music, but this is hard to confirm because no one has ever been there.

During the 1950s early country music merged with blues to form rockabilly. The most famous musician to come out of this was Elvis, who is cooler than Michael Jackson and always will be. Elvis is also famous for serving in the army, where he singlehandedly saved the United States from a horde of Deadites.

Country Music Today

Country music remains popular to this day, with most major cities having at least one country music station. Listeners are ten percent normal people, 60 percent people who hate the communist takeover of every other station and 20 percent hipsters who listen to country music ironically.

Another modern source of country music is Country Music Television, which features shows like My Big Fat Redneck Wedding. It also plays country music video clips, which are a lot like non-country video clips except with less black people.

Among country fans, the genre is thought to be dying out, as there is just no room in this world for country music fans anymore. This would be a more serious worry if they hadn't been worried about this for the past 90 years.

A country music fan. Note the hieroglyphs, which represent the traditional contribution of Egyptology to the genre.

Country Music Themes

Country music revolves around three themes:

  • My girlfriend/man left me
  • I have a gun
  • I am going to shoot my girlfriend/man

Later variations and extensions on the themes have appeared (the government is trying to take my gun, the government arrested me for shooting my girlfriend/man and is how going to execute me and/or take my gun, the government took my girlfriend/man away from me and I've lost my gun, etc.)

Every country music album ever.

Other topics are sometimes woven around this main theme, like:

  • Cowboys are awesome
  • Commies shot my legs off
  • Drinking
  • My woman is too fat
  • Country music is awesome
  • Country music used to be awesome until the commies ruined it and shot my legs off