David Hasselhoff: actor, singer, all-around problem-solver.
Just The Facts
- David Hasselhoff is awesome,
- David Hasselhoff is Germany's apology for World War I, World War II, and Uwe Boll.
- David Hasselhoff once fought a fucking WEREWOLF on Baywatch Nights.
- And that, as previously stated, is awesome.
Cracked on David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff is the lone successful specimen of Germany's Super-Soldier Ubermensch Project. Unfortunately, several minutes after Hasselhoff stepped out of his spawning chamber, the project's head scientists and engineers accidentally entangled themselves in his prodigious chest hair, subsequently suffocating to death and ensuring that there never again could be one such as he.
Apart from his bulletproof mat of chest hair, Subject Hasselhoff's other powers include:
- Time-manipulation; by concentrating, Hasselhoff can slow time down around himself and others, granting him the ability to instantly be where he needs to be when he needs to be.
- Hypersonic voice; though normaly cherubic and otherworldly, Hasselhoff's voice has been known to reduce nation-spanning walls to rubble through the power of song.
Because of his unique talents, Subject Hasselhoff has been the go-to guy for a various array of troublesome situations, such as reuniting nations, coaching Germany's dodgeball team, rescuing drowning beachgoers, facing down sharks, serial killers, and even a nuclear-fucking-bomb.
Goddamn, is there anything he can't do?
The Proper Method for Viewing David Hasselhoff
Remember that protective eyegear is necessary to view David Hasselhoff. Longtime exposure to David Hasselhoff without the recommended protection may prove detrimental to your mental health, as the human mind is ill-equipped to fully process his glorious dongtacularity, and may result in unexpected headsplosions.
David Hasselhoff as viewed through protective eyewear.
David Hasselhoff as viewed through the naked eye.
The Fall and Prophesied Return of David Hasselhoff
Showing a rare moment of weakness, this video was shot by Hasselhoff's daughter, Taylor Ann, in an effort to show him how he behaved when intoxicated. Though the vidoe might be mistakenly interpreted by the ignorant masses as the the inebriated antics of a horrible human being, this heartfelt and poignant self-confession reminds us all of the fact that, when angels fall, they fall further than anyone.
After the video was first released, it was likened to the deaths of Bambi's mother and Macaulay Culkin's character in My Girl, or the sight of a majestic blue whale being harpooned by unscrupulous Japanese whalers.
Though there have been several isolated reports of hopeless drunks swearing off the bottle and cancer patients finding themselves cured after viewing the video, its healing properties have been dismissed by critics as apocryphal at best, citing lack of proof. Still, when it comes to David Hasselhoff, experts advise that faith alone is all they need, for he shall one day return for his followers--riding the crest of a sentient wave--to take them all to paradise to frolic merrily in red-shorted, slow-motion bliss all the days of their lives.