Needless to say, Mom wasn't allowed to do puppet shows at the school carnival anymore

She's an excellent ventriloquist. You can't even see her lips move.

Worst. Quantum leap. Ever.

He left the seat up.

She warned him that if he didn’t get his head out of his ass, she would put her foot up it. Oh boy, was he surprised to discover she didn’t mean up his ass.

We'll see your foot-binding, China, and we'll raise you.

Another stunt in the Spiderman musical goes horribly wrong.

Never, NEVER, call a Denny's waitress a "serving wench."

“I know it’s funny, but this is a professional rehab center. So will everyone please stop giving Ms. Lohan mannequins while she’s detoxing.”

I'll take that in a size 9, please.

Her feet smell ... with their noses

Oddly enough, his name was Dr. Scholl.

"Well, well, well James. It would appear that two heads are better then- A DYSFUNCTIONAL LYING SCOUNDREL OF A HUSBAND!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Teresa and Trevor were the most awkward case of conjoined twins ever seen by doctors.

I didn't think she was being literal when she said,"I'm gonna put my fucking foot down your throat."