"Sure, a chastity belt is great and all, but how can I prevent my daughter from having ORAL sex?"

Oh good - now my nightmares can breathe underwater.

"Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and robotic underwater hell beasts." -- Winston Churchill

Each tube connects to a different one of your childhood fears.

Dreadlock Ness Monster

"...because if you touch yourself...HE'LL be watching. That's why not."

It was young Predator's nightmare come to life. Yearbook picture day, and he couldn't do a thing with his tentacles.

My friends and I were fishing one day. One of them reeled in a rubber boot and we all laughed and laughed. Then I reeled in this and we decided to find another lake to fish in.

Even the Little Mermaid has a few exes she'd rather forget about.

"Hi! I'd like to talk to you about your spiritual welfare!"

I just want to warn you babe, when I put this on I won't be able to hear the safeword.

"Look, we told the kid to stop picking his nose. If you have any constructive suggestions to make, we're listening."

You know the scariest thing about this picture? Somewhere, right now, someone is masturbating to it.

Tubing from Home Depot: $60. Salvaged WWII Gas Mask: $80. Scaring the shit out of an unsuspecting Craigslist rendevous: Priceless.

"You know what Doc, I think I'll just keep snoring."