Even in the zombie apocalypse, UPS guarantees your package will be delivered.

Mark was completely safe...until the termites came along.

Marvin is about to find out that every girl who said "Not if you were the last man on Earth" really meant it.

Kids today have it so easy! Back in MY day, we did school shootings the old-fashioned way: barefoot, up hill and one bullet at a time! Sheesh!

Unfortunately, Chad seriously over-estimated the defensive strength of cardboard.

What do we want?! Braaaaaaains! When do we want it?! Braaaaaaaaaaains!

Virginity: It could save your life.

What's scary about school shootings is that the shooter could be ANYBODY. In this case, it is the kid in the kill-bot with a shoulder-mounted machine gun. But in most cases, what's scary is it could be ANYBODY.

After they fired Megan Fox, it was like 'Transformers 3' just stopped trying...

Built with fervor, worn with pride, powered by loneliness.

That must be one hell of a Homecoming game rivalry.

Nobody believed Timmy when he warned them about the cootie epidemic.

John stopped laughing when he ran out of oxygen

Dick in a box.

They said no weapons at school. They never said anything about weaponized autonomous robots.