This piece was written by the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Want to feel like a winner? You can actually make good on your resolutions this year with the help of some awesome deals on these 18 tools and services.
If you're looking to get in shape in 2019, but either can't afford a personal trainer or don't want to risk revealing your true identity, check out Fitterclub Personal Training. Fitterclub uses an easy questionnaire to build a personalized workout and nutrition program that you can access from any device. Right now you can get a five-year membership at 91 percent off for $49.
If you have trouble managing your money, you can either A) try to marry Jeff Bezos, or B) invest in a subscription to the Truebill Subscription and Budget Manager. Truebill helps you keep track of where your money is going every month, so you don't empty out your bank account on Fortnite skins before your rent check clears. Plus Jeff Bezos probably has bad breath anyway. Click here to get a one-year subscription at 44 percent off for $19.99.
The FLPSDE Dual-Chamber Water Bottle will help you keep your keys, snacks, and water and/or mixed drink handy while you rack up miles on the stationary bike. This insulated bottle keeps liquids hot or cold for up to ten hours, and has a second chamber for storing your personal items. You can click here to get the FLPSDE at 17 percent off for just $28.99.
Access a massive library of meditation courses and exercises at any time right from your smartphone with Aware Mindfulness. It's like having a personal guru living in your pocket, on-call whenever you need it. Click here to get a lifetime subscription at 61 percent off for just $29.
If you don't have a gym in convenient walking, driving, or unicycling distance, Live Streaming Fitness can deliver you daily live streaming and on-demand fitness classes. Who said you had to leave the house to get professional-level fitness instruction? Click here to get a lifetime subscription at 79 percent off for $99.99.
Give your tired muscles a much-needed recovery after a rigorous workout and/or Netflix binge with the Professional Massager. This handheld massager is ergonomically designed to reduce muscle recovery time, and hey, it feels good too. You can get one at 52 percent off for $284.99 by clicking this link.
This hardcover journal will help you design and track your meditation progress throughout the year. That way you're not stuck trying to make sense of a bunch of "deep" thoughts you scribbled down on a bar napkin. Click here to get yours at 31 percent off plus an additional price drop for only $25.99.
CoinKeeper helps you manage your finances and plan sensible monthly budgets using an intuitive coin-based graphic interface. It's not unlike the mobile games you sink so much of your income into, except this app actually wants you to keep your money! Click here now to get a lifetime subscription at 85 percent off for $39.99.
You can get unlimited access to a huge library of books, audiobooks, magazine articles, newspaper clippings, and possibly local menus directly on your devices with a subscription to Scribd. Seriously, if something can be considered "words," then you can probably find it on here. Click here to get a one-year subscription at 21 percent off for $85.
If you hate mulling around at your local gym waiting for John Cena's body double to finish hogging all the weights for his superset, then get yourself the BodyBoss 2.0 Portable Home Gym. It is designed to simulate all that expensive gym equipment, giving you access to thousands of exercises in your own home. Click here to get it at 16 percent off plus an additional price drop for only $149.99.
Get started on your New Year's diet by slicing through fresh vegetables with the precision of John Belushi at a delicatessen with this three-piece set of handmade knives that are crafted using the same process used to create samurai swords. Click here to get the set at 91 percent off for just $49.99.
You won't be ashamed to ask that cute dentist out to dinner if you own the Aqua Flosser Rechargeable Water Flosser. It's been clinically proven to clean your teeth five times more effectively than flossing while being gentler on your gums, and if you click here right now, you can get one at 73 percent off plus an additional price drop for just $39.99.
Who cares if you can't afford a gym membership and are currently living in a studio apartment with three roommates? The Resistance Door Gym will allow you to get a full-body workout using any door and a limited amount of space. And best of all, now you can work out while your roommates keep you company. Click here to get one at 64 percent off for just $25.
The Platinum Sonic Toothbrush will grant you a mouthful of dazzling white teeth, the likes of which are only seen on Chip Skylark. You'll finally be able to achieve your resolution to get out there and meet new people with confidence as you eliminate plaque and polish your teeth with 40,000 strokes per minute. Click here to get one at 80 percent off for only $49.99.
The Mindful Notebook will help guide you through daily journal entries designed to keep you more present in 2019. You'll get a new inspirational quote every day, and a section reminding you what you have to be thankful for in your life, so you don't just open up Twitter and implode. Click here to get yours at 26 percent off for just $21.99.
Expand your interests beyond movie gossip and gym pics with a subscription to CuriosityStream. This streaming service delivers a library of over 2,000 documentary films and series directly to your devices, so you can get all smart and stuff. Click here to get a two-year subscription at 25 percent off for just $29.99.
Whether your resolution is to finally finish writing that novel or just to turn in an assignment that isn't riddled with misspellings, you need WhiteSmoke Writing Assistant. This all-in-one app automatically checks your work for style, grammar, and spelling errors so your emails don't look like a customer review for a Hellboy II DVD. Click here to get it at 80 percent off for just $79.
Using the Award-Winning Speed Reading Bundle is like being tutored by the mystical Three-Eyed-Raven, multiplying your reading speed and comprehension by a factor over 3,000. That way you can get caught up on all the Game Of Thrones books before the final season airs, and thus complain with more authority. Click here to get the bundle at 94 percent off plus an additional price drop for only $14.99.
And hey, sweet child, don't sell yourself short. It's Never Too Late To Become A Prodigy With These 5 Bundles.
Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.