And Elsa is dangerous. She creates life. Twice! That sort of thing usually takes a whole pantheon of Greek Gods, but she does it by accident.
Not only that, but she lets the power erode her moral center in record time. She sings a catchy tune but ad-libs the line No right, no wrong, no rules for me shortly before creating a snow ogre (or, quite obviously, a "snowgre") that enthusiastically tries to murder her loving sister. Elsa has potential Evil Queen written all over her.
She's only a couple of decades and a bad hair day away from turning
those powers on her stepdaughter.
Suddenly it makes sense that the Trolls want an agent in her court, just in case she goes home. The only thing standing in Kristoff's way is a foreign prince whom they couldn't spare two stoney shits about.
So how to get rid of him? This is where it gets devious. They hijack Anna's and Hans' destiny and true love: again, the two most powerful forces in a Disney universe.
Sure, in any other movie a sociopathic mastermind Handsome Prince would have been a great story, but we've already seen these Trolls completely alter someone's mind without so much as a medical consent form. Erasing Anna's memory doesn't help any humans, but it does scare Elsa into isolation, too self-loathing to ever develop her powers.
That leaves the Trolls as the supreme wielders of ice magic. How do they get to Hans? By redirecting Anna's cardiac cryo-infection into a trap that freezes the heart of her true love. As Elsa unintentionally demonstrates twice, it's very easy for ice magic to freeze a heart, no matter how much you love the victim. The second Hans attempts to save Anna with a kiss, his heart is frozen and he turns instantly, bafflingly cruel.
Hans goes full Jack Torrance even faster than Jack Torrance did.
The way is left open for Kristoff to woo Anna, and as a happy side effect, Anna and Elsa recognize their true love for each other with a noble sacrifice. Anna is cured, but more importantly, Elsa is stabilized.
The only real casualty is Hans. The look on his face is that of a man who doesn't understand what has happened to him. But Anna seems to have an idea. As the curse is lifted and the seas thaw, she tells him: "The only one with a frozen heart here is you."
If she only knew how right she was.
Steve Wetherell plays a sexually attractive monk in the Authors And Dragons podcast, and you can find more of his funny words over at Deviant Dolls.
This isn't even Brendan McGinley's first time charting a magical conspiracy against people with superpowers. For that, read his comic book, Indelible, Inc. This is his best tweet.
Which Sci-Fi Trope Would You Bring To The Real World, And Why? Every summer, we're treated to the same buffet of three or four science fiction movies with the same basic conceits. There's man vs. aliens, man vs. robots, man vs. army of clones, and man vs. complicated time travel rules. With virtual reality and self-driving cars fast approaching, it's time to consider what type of sci-fi movie we want to be living in for the rest of our lives. Co-hosts Jack O'Brien and Adam Tod Brown are joined by Cracked's Tom Reimann and Josh Sargent and comedians David Huntsberger, Adam Newman, and Caitlin Gill to figure out which sci-fi trope would be the best to make a reality. Get your tickets to this live podcast here!
See how the tale Frozen was based on included plenty of animal abuse in 5 Beloved Disney Movies Based On R-Rated Stories and find out that, while Frozen may be grim, it won't tear apart your marriage like in 6 B.S. Viral Stories: 'Frozen' Isn't Causing Divorces.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see more implications of the Frozen Universe in The Terrifying Aftermath Of Disney's Frozen, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook because you like us and we, like you, like us.