You Really Have No Idea Who The Villain Of Frozen Is

In order for the ending of Frozen to work, the audience has to believe that Hans never truly loved Anna, and to be fair, he says as much in his villainous reveal.

But until his admission, the romance between Hans and Anna is never once presented as anything but utterly sincere and is consolidated in the most earnest way known to man or beast: lyrically. Anna and Hans' duet opens up a whole new wor- sorry, a door to the future. Theirs is an instant, wonderful connection we have no reason to doubt:

Walt Disney
For crying out loud, those white gloves are spotless!

Is Hans despicable enough to lie through a spontaneous musical number? Well, here's the thing: Nobody lies in Disney musical numbers. Not really. If you're a secret villain, you drop conspiratorial winks faster than trousers on prom night -- in both cases thanks to stirring ballads. For example, when The Little Mermaid's Ursula sways Ariel into a Faustian bargain, she can't resist giving sneering asides to her minions, and Tangled's Gothel can't even song-convince her daughter of her beneficence without a full verse dedicated to calling Rapunzel fat. A villain can't help but reveal their true douchiness through song. Hans can no more hide his heart in harmony than he could from an omniscient narrator.

According to his song's lyrics, the closest thing Anna has to a flaw is that he didn't meet her years ago. And that's important, because ...

Magical destiny and true love are so powerful that in Pocahontas they even evaporate the language barrier so that two people can be together, like a much less sinister version of RussianBrides.com.

Hans' affections are even outlined in the script; when they lock eyes it's pure chemistry. Then, as Anna flees their unplanned meet-cute, Hans stares after her with a goofy lovesick grin on his face -- even though he's under a boat and no one can see him. If he's faking it, then he's operating on a level of commitment that even Daniel Day-Lewis would find exhausting.

Walt Disney, science-all.com
Although, you can never prove someone isn't Daniel Day-Lewis.

And the thing is, Hans and Anna are a good match. Not just because they're both super adorable, but they bond over their older siblings' aloofness. That's a great start even for us real-world people who don't have to find a spouse in a 120-minute window. And relative to other Disney films, this is huge groundwork; in previous years, Hans would have just sung a song and then molested Anna in her sleep. Instead they commiserate as the world's only two neglected royals.

The relationship goes well, right up until Hans reveals his wicked intentions -- that he's using Anna to marry into power. Well, if we're to believe that Hans has an evil plot all along, then it becomes pretty obvious that this guy is terrible at being evil, because ...

Hans says he wants to marry his way onto the throne. Fine. But he openly admits nobody stands a chance with Elsa and in the next breath admits that Anna's eagerness is a lucky break. So ... what is his plan? To turn up and hope that somebody desperate would marry him? We're not saying it's not a move we all consider once middle age sets in, but it seems to lack foresight.

Hans also reveals he was going to arrange "a little accident" for Elsa. Now, everybody knows that "a little accident" is villain for "stab her repeatedly with an ice pick," so doesn't it seem strange that Hans tries to save Elsa's life on multiple occasions?

Walt Disney
And right after she cockblocks him, no less.

First, when Elsa goes missing he offers to mount a rescue mission, only to stay behind and take care of the kingdom at the request of his new fiancee, Anna. Well, sure, any asshole can crisis-manage a kingdom while respecting the wishes of the woman he loves, but what about when Anna's horse returns without her? Does Hans shrug and say, "Well, seeing as I'm already running the place ..."? No. He sets out to find Elsa himself, expressly forbidding that any harm come to the queen.

Remember, he's officially in charge until one of them comes back. Elsa has abdicated the throne and Dr. Manhattaned herself a heavily defended mountain fortress. Hans climbs a damn mountain and slays a frost giant to see if Elsa is all right, then saves her from assassination by the Duke's men.

He says he has to kill her to bring back summer, but he passes up at least three chances to do so. And it's not like eternal winter would threaten his rule; half the Arendelle economy is based on exporting ice.

HBO
The other half is lucrative crossovers with Game Of Thrones.

Why doesn't he let her die if he was planning to kill her all along? Why go after her at all? He would have been completely blameless if the Duke's men had killed a woman who, at this point, has doomed that year's crops.

Hell, he even defends Elsa from the Duke's slander so that nobody regards her as a monster, and then begs her to live up to her sister's view of her. He's not just saving her life; he's preserving her authority.

Walt Disney
"Wait! If you kill her now, how will I engineer her murder later ... oh."

Saving her life yet again while she's unconscious, he escorts her back to her seat of power and advocates on her behalf. He stubbornly insists on prolonging Elsa's life at every opportunity, making this the oddest regicide in history.

Hans acts like the ultimate good guy right up until he's about to kiss Anna. If he's secretly evil, why blow his cover with a monologue? It's not like loving Anna and vying for power are exclusive goals. You can have both, sideburns.

Walt Disney
Kiss her, already! It's not a hygiene concern if you already finish each other's sandwiches!

If the kiss does work, he's now prince consort to a lovely gal. And if he knows he doesn't love her, instead of stupidly dismissing the staff, he should have asked them to witness their nuptials, then pretended to cry as the last obstacle to his supreme power dies in his arms.

But kissing Anna would have gone against the interests of a very powerful group ...

So it's clear Hans has a change of heart, but who is capable of changing a heart -- or mind -- so drastically?

Walt Disney
These assholes.

The Trolls are creatures of immense power but with little insight into human manners, like a tribe of miniature Kanye Wests. When we first meet the Trolls, they cure a young Anna of an accidental wound by her sister's magic powers. Their "cure" also removes any memory of the magic. They are able to alter her entire recollection of her sister with a wave of a hand.

So they have terrifying powers, but they're still good guys, right? Look at them; they're like adorable sentient potatoes! Except not everyone remembers them that way. When the king looks the Trolls up in an old book, we're presented with a different interpretation.

Walt Disney
Is that puff of air his soul? Why is Ice-Sauron watching this? Is this a sex thing?

The Troll picture matches the Grand Pabbie, the elder troll, completely, except he's drawn like a demonic Tasmanian devil. And judging by the fancy duds worn by the guy on the altar, these Trolls are used to interfering with nobility. Why is that important? Button up your adorable waistcoat, people, because this rabbit hole goes deep ...

... who immediately try to marry them off (after a musical number, of course).

Walt Disney
Getting married without a musical number is the Disney equivalent of bare-back sex
with someone you just met on a bus.

Without so much as an introduction, the Trolls decide Anna is a good match for Kristoff due to her "good teeth" and "working nose." It becomes clear that the Trolls' love expertise is inferior to all but the drunkest of horse breeders. These rockheads think Kristoff and Anna are in love after one day together -- something the movie just derided about Hans. So is love at first sight possible or are the trolls ignorant of the human heart?

The answer is again more sinister. When Kristoff protests that Anna is happily engaged, the Trolls blank him so hard the animators don't have to draw any scenery for the rest of the movie. Our stone Illuminati attempt to nuptialize the humans anyway.

Walt Disney
They had to dig a marriage pit like ... where were they getting married before?

Here's where things get foreboding. The Trolls sing, in the same joyful tone they use when kidnapping children, that Her quote 'engagement' is a flex arrangement and Get the fiance out of the way. They are not just making a joke here, they are declaring their intentions -- because villains can't help but tell the truth in Disney songs.

When Anna realizes what they're doing, she faints, as if marrying Kristoff has further frozen her heart. She falters again at the second mention of "true love" when the Trolls imply he should kiss her. And Kristoff doesn't even attempt to do so.

Walt Disney
He knows his lips aren't the medicine her heart needs (and someone check to see
if that's a line from an '80s hair band single).

There's no love between these two, and Disney destiny is not on their side, but the Trolls don't care -- they are clearly forcing a connection. But other than getting Kristoff laid by an actual human, what's in it for them?

Thus far the Trolls have divided the princesses, rendering Elsa a feeble paranoid, and amnesiac Anna so desperate for love she'll settle for the one human the Trolls can trust. But now Elsa's embraced her icy abilities and they must once again subdue her.

Given the power of love in a world beset by ice magic, the Trolls have a vested interest in fixing Anna up with their man; the next monarch will be Kristoff's kid. The Trolls make no effort to cure Elsa's powers. But they do compare it to a curse and portend Elsa's "great danger."

Walt Disney
Presumably playing "Let It Go" on a loop in your brain until suicide is your only option.

And Elsa is dangerous. She creates life. Twice! That sort of thing usually takes a whole pantheon of Greek Gods, but she does it by accident.

Not only that, but she lets the power erode her moral center in record time. She sings a catchy tune but ad-libs the line No right, no wrong, no rules for me shortly before creating a snow ogre (or, quite obviously, a "snowgre") that enthusiastically tries to murder her loving sister. Elsa has potential Evil Queen written all over her.

Walt Disney
She's only a couple of decades and a bad hair day away from turning
those powers on her stepdaughter.

Suddenly it makes sense that the Trolls want an agent in her court, just in case she goes home. The only thing standing in Kristoff's way is a foreign prince whom they couldn't spare two stoney shits about.

So how to get rid of him? This is where it gets devious. They hijack Anna's and Hans' destiny and true love: again, the two most powerful forces in a Disney universe.

Sure, in any other movie a sociopathic mastermind Handsome Prince would have been a great story, but we've already seen these Trolls completely alter someone's mind without so much as a medical consent form. Erasing Anna's memory doesn't help any humans, but it does scare Elsa into isolation, too self-loathing to ever develop her powers.

That leaves the Trolls as the supreme wielders of ice magic. How do they get to Hans? By redirecting Anna's cardiac cryo-infection into a trap that freezes the heart of her true love. As Elsa unintentionally demonstrates twice, it's very easy for ice magic to freeze a heart, no matter how much you love the victim. The second Hans attempts to save Anna with a kiss, his heart is frozen and he turns instantly, bafflingly cruel.

Walt Disney
Hans goes full Jack Torrance even faster than Jack Torrance did.

The way is left open for Kristoff to woo Anna, and as a happy side effect, Anna and Elsa recognize their true love for each other with a noble sacrifice. Anna is cured, but more importantly, Elsa is stabilized.

The only real casualty is Hans. The look on his face is that of a man who doesn't understand what has happened to him. But Anna seems to have an idea. As the curse is lifted and the seas thaw, she tells him: "The only one with a frozen heart here is you."

If she only knew how right she was.

Steve Wetherell plays a sexually attractive monk in the Authors And Dragons podcast, and you can find more of his funny words over at Deviant Dolls.

This isn't even Brendan McGinley's first time charting a magical conspiracy against people with superpowers. For that, read his comic book, Indelible, Inc. This is his best tweet.

Which Sci-Fi Trope Would You Bring To The Real World, And Why? Every summer, we're treated to the same buffet of three or four science fiction movies with the same basic conceits. There's man vs. aliens, man vs. robots, man vs. army of clones, and man vs. complicated time travel rules. With virtual reality and self-driving cars fast approaching, it's time to consider what type of sci-fi movie we want to be living in for the rest of our lives. Co-hosts Jack O'Brien and Adam Tod Brown are joined by Cracked's Tom Reimann and Josh Sargent and comedians David Huntsberger, Adam Newman, and Caitlin Gill to figure out which sci-fi trope would be the best to make a reality. Get your tickets to this live podcast here!

See how the tale Frozen was based on included plenty of animal abuse in 5 Beloved Disney Movies Based On R-Rated Stories and find out that, while Frozen may be grim, it won't tear apart your marriage like in 6 B.S. Viral Stories: 'Frozen' Isn't Causing Divorces.

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