Wait, what's this? A "Blow Job Cock Ring"? This thing doesn't seem all that awful. It's a penis ring, right? People use those all the time, or, uh, so I'm told. Might as well jump to the next entry and see if there's something better waiting for us. Wait, we have another image? Eh, I might as well post it here before we move o-
Hahahahaha! Motherfuck! That's the most gloriously terrible thing I've seen all article. A fake mouth that's throwing up a real dick is such an exact goddamned opposite of a "blow job" cock ring, it would be funny if it didn't make me question everything I knew about pleasure. Someone, somewhere, actually sat down and designed this product, said: "Yep, we're all done here," and left the office proud of himself because that day, he actually fucking accomplished something.
The hilarious appearance of the Dong Vomiting Cock Ring is second only to the nightmare its use introduces to the logistics of boning. Imagine having sex with the partner of your dreams: Every single thrust, no matter how well executed, is going to be followed up by a forcible kiss from cold, dead PVC lips. Does that sound like "holy shit, let's totally do this again"? No. That sounds like "I might be dead inside now, and please deposit that crotch abomination in the nearest furnace." Hell, even if we're just talking blow jobs, things aren't any better; Good luck convincing anyone to go down on you when they have to look that thing right in the face, and probably give it an unwarranted kiss or 50 in the process. Aaaaand now we're all going to see nightmares of French-kissing a terrifying plastic mannequin with a dick for a tongue. I'd say that I'm sorry, but I think we all know that I would be lying.