Because we internet comedy writers spend all day writing indoors, ruminating in a cloud of cheese dust and farts, we've garnered a reputation for being "out of touch with nature." But that's a load of horsecrap. (Wait, horses are still around, right? Are they still a thing? Someone please send help.) We're as much in tune with the outside world as the best camping person or hike-man. And to prove it, the Cracked Dispensary is giving you $5 off all T-shirts, with free shipping.
How does that prove you understand nature?
Well ... uh, the shirt is 100-percent organic cotton, and "organic" is a word that technically means ... umm ... You know what, just shut up and take the discount, OK?
Look, we know plenty about nature. We called Captain Planet getting an eventual gritty reboot, didn't we? And I'm sure that the designer of that column (whenever he wakes up from a coma that doctors say was induced by a catastrophic vitamin D deficiency) would agree that leaf stuff is one of our strong points. This Captain Planet / Lord Of The Rings mashup merges all of the natural elements together in serene harmony. Wear this shirt, and the next time you go hug a sentient tree, you'll be sure to get a hug back.
Admittedly, we haven't left the Cracked offices in a while, but do deer now all really look like Hunter S. Thompson, as this T-shirt suggests? Our research shows that humans are adapting to reach maturity at a later age and fish are evolving to withstand toxic waste. So perhaps it's possible that deer are now selecting mates based on who has the best aim with revolvers, or who can write the best gonzo journalism. It's hard to know for certain. But it would explain why we've been tasting hints of menthol in our venison.
Look at this! You can't get much more natural than having a shirt that shows that damn, dirty Curious George finally turning the tides on his captor, the Man in the Yellow Hat. We love nature! In fact, if nature wants to go ahead and overthrow man right now, that would be absolutely fine with us. As long as they let us keep our internet access. And our Planet Of The Apes box set. And, ya know, meat and homes and stuff.
Sure, Cracked. You're all a bunch of Crocodile Dundees.
Alright, you want us to prove we get nature? That we can handle the sun beast and the moon thing? Here! These are three discounted items that are perfect for camping, straight from the Cracked Store.
Still don't see what that proves ...
These Bluetooth wireless earphones are ideal for the great outdoors. The ergonomic design allows them to fit comfortably in your ears and not fall out, meaning you can chop wood and hunt mammoths (or whatever people do when they go outside) and still be able to listen to your favorite podcasts. Best of all, they work independently, allowing you to share -- or if you're up to the challenge, listen to two different podcasts from Cracked at once.
The Bomber Barrel Duffel Bag Complete Set provides you with everything you need for the ultimate open-air experience. From its premium, weather-resistant materials to the efficiency-inspired pockets, this bag can be used to pack whatever you need, and can be taken wherever you need it. And if you need it to carry a grocery store aisle's worth of chips and dip under your desk because you heard that the temperature is gonna be chilly today, it's good for that too. We're not judging.
The HomeSpot Rugged Waterproof Bluetooth Speaker is for when the Bluetooth wireless earphones just aren't enough. With two high performance 6W acoustic drivers and a passive bass subwoofer, this baby can play The Cracked Podcast so cleanly and powerfully that you'll convince every creature in the forest that they're watching Jack and co. riff on pop culture live and in-person. (If you want to actually attend The Cracked Podcast in person, you can do so by clicking on this link here!) And if bears get offended by all the sweet The Revenant references, this speaker is coated with a rubberized surface so you can flee with it into the river. We've truly thought of everything.
Fine, you love nature. Now how do we get our discounts?
Go directly to the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store by clicking on the links here. You can also scroll up and find the links for each particular product. Now get out there, you bunch of Bear Grylli, and go show nature what you're made of. And then tell us about it. First off, what is "plant"?
Plenty of everyday things have weird connections to the Nazis.
The thing about plot twists is that they almost never make sense on repeat viewing.
Sometimes the silliest goofballs get away with the vilest things.