This piece was written by the Cracked Shop to tell you about products that are being sold there.
We just got a weird series of fortune cookies with a bunch of very specific prophecies for our readers, as well as some extremely, uh, sensitive secrets about our staff that prove the prophecies correct. Unfortunately, there were no names, so we're not sure which of you these prophecies apply to -- only that they occur after you buy an iPad from the links below. So in no particular order, we are absolutely certain that one of you is going to ...
This iPad is coming. It doesn't feel pity or fear. It has an 11" screen, 512 GB of storage, WiFi connectivity, and a liquid Retina Display engineered with True-To-Life color and ProMotion technology. It doesn't feel pain or remorse. It has an A12X Bionic chip with 64-bit architecture, a Neural Engine, and an embedded M12 coprocessor. Part tablet, part binge-watching machine, part 12-megapixel camera with 4K video recording at 30 or even 60 fps. And it absolutely will not stop until you are dead.
What we're trying to say is that we have a brand-new power user bundle giveaway, which means you get the 11" iPad Pro, an Apple pencil, and a smart keyboard. You can sign up to enter right here, and one lucky person among you will be the proud winner. Of course, if this isn't your fate, then maybe you're the person who buys the ...
Don't let the size fool you. Apple packed 3.1 million pixels into this 9.7" display, which also has all the multi-touch gesture capabilities of iOS 7. It has a dual-core A5X chip with Quad-Core graphics, and the 64 GB of storage means you won't be struggling to find space for whatever seasons of The Office you want to bring on your next flight to Tokyo. Oh yeah, if you buy this, you're also going to fly to Tokyo.
The person who grabs this iPad, which features an A9 third-generation chip and a beautiful 2,048x1,536 resolution, will rewatch their favorite season of their favorite TV show, only to discover, quite sadly, that they don't quite connect with it like they used to. Luckily, they find something else just 15 minutes later that brings them a lot more joy than the ephemeral tickles of nostalgia ever could.
Normally $329, grab yours in the Cracked Shop for 11% off -- just $290.
With a processor that humiliates some laptops (64-bit A9X), this iPad is going to come in very handy when you're hired for an exciting new job designing a futuristic version of your favorite childhood toy. Thanks to its ten-hour battery life, this iPad will even save your life during a very frightening alligator attack in July of 2022.
The $699 price tag has been reduced on this refurbished model to just $520 in the Cracked Shop.
The sexy "space gray" color is very appropriate in this case, considering you eventually become the great-grandparent of the very first person to be born on Mars. Nothing interesting ever happens to your family again after that, we're afraid.
The $599 price tag has been reduced to just $329 in the Cracked Shop.
This is an iPad that you use to record a rare sighting of Bigfoot. Nobody really cares too much, though, because Bigfoot gets discovered in 2020 and buys property on Long Island. Still, the camera works great.
The $599 price tag has been reduced by 36% to $379 in the Cracked Shop.
You use this iPad to play the most flawless game of Free Cell that any human being has ever played. The pride you feel about this sustains you through some really tough times.
Huge savings here: the $499 price is reduced by 54% to just $225.
The person who buys this iPad lives a very happy and fulfilling life for reasons that, if we're being totally honest, have nothing to do with buying this iPad. OR DO THEY?
The $899 price has been reduced by 22% to just $699 in the Cracked Shop.
This prediction was a bit unclear. The owner of this iPad either "wins the lottery and retires" or "considers buying some guacamole, but doesn't." Sorry, prophecies can be weird sometimes. The 12 MP iSight Camera with true tone flash is pretty sweet either way.
The $599 price tag has been reduced by $20 to just $479 in the Cracked Shop.
The owner of this iPad might already own an iPad, but they'll end up using this one just as much because of the 5.0 MP rear camera. And aw, look how mini it is!
Normally $459, this iPad is only $169 in the Cracked Shop -- 63% off.
This Mini 3 may be from 2014, but it still packs a real punch with WiFi capabilities, 16 GB of storage, and Bluetooth 4.0. Not only is it a great bargain, but it also has the advantage of still remembering the Obama years.
The $399.99 price tag is reduced to just $355 in the Cracked Shop for this special deal.
But don't stop there! Keep The Doctor Away With These 16 Apple Product Deals.
Whose job is it to solve crimes?
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
The most unrealistic thing about fictional villains is that they don't get arrested until the plot calls for it.