On My Qualifications:

Kristen Wiig I would be such a great freakin' husband to you it's not even funny. When you get home from work, I'll listen diligently while you talk about your day. You want to vent about your coworkers? I'm here for you, baby. You want to tell a pointless, meandering story about an experience you had purchasing shoes? I find it very interesting, and I look forward to hearing more about it. Is there an attractive woman at work who makes you feel insecure? You're much prettier than she is, plus I'll tell everyone that she used to have a wiener. Did you have a hard day? Are you exhausted? There's a list of things that my hands were made to do, Kristen Wiig, and orgasm-inducing-shoulder-massages is right at the top. Wanna exercise together? I run every day, once beat up Kimbo Slice, and can do more sit-ups than there are numbers. If the incredible physical specimen that is my body isn't of interest to you, you should also know that I'm extremely well read. I've been reading and studying forever and I apply the knowledge I've gained in my everyday life to solve problems and resolve conflicts. I'm like a deep-dicking Encyclopedia Brown, Kristen, I swear to God. Also, Kristen Wiig, I'm really good with knots. Hell, I won't undersell myself on this point: I am great with knots, Kristen Wiig. Legendary. So if you've got, like, fishing line or yarn or ribbon or something that's all tangled and knotty, I guarantee you I'll be able to straighten it all out for you. I know how frustrating tricky knots can be, but I have the patience, know-how and focus that the untying of a complex knot requires. I'm not trying to be funny. There's no double meaning and I'm not trying to imply anything sexual, here. I'm just naturally, freakishly gifted when it comes to knots, I always have been, and I thought you should know. Above average knot-skill is just another quality I bring to the table. Just got home from work and you're annoyed because the laces of your running shoes got tangled up in your gym bag? You just leave that to me, sweetie. Daniel will take care of it; you go ahead and take a nice bath, I already started running the water for you. And here, I poured you a glass of wine. Relax. You earned it. And by the time you get out of your bubble bath, the knots will be gone, thanks to my remarkably skilled hands! Marry me.

This could be our wedding cake topper.

On My Experience:

When I was like 14 or so I dated this chick named Caryn who was a lot like you in both behavior and appearance. I'm not trying to make you jealous or anything, I'm just saying that I'm already fairly well versed in dating someone that is sort of like you, so getting married to someone who is you should be a pretty seamless transition. Plenty of guys probably want to marry you, but I'd wager that I'm one of the few who has actual relevant experience on his resume'.

When Kristen dressed up as Pam, my dick's brain exploded.

Oh, and one other thing, just some ground rules. I am totally and uncompromisingly against having children, no matter what. I think babies are stupid, there are already too many people in the world, and I hate pregnant women, so I will never want to have children. ... Unless, of course, you want children, in which case I'll pump you so full of kids you won't know whether to build a crib or a warehouse, Kristen Wiig. *** So there it is, Kristen Wiig. You can leave your response in the comments below, or you can email me or you can just meet me at our wedding, this Sunday, (I think that'll be best). I invited all the Cracked readers, I hope that's cool. Also I'll be wearing a cape. Hugs and Kisses, Stars and Wishes, -Daniel.

* You also mentioned in that interview that you have a boyfriend. I'm choosing to ignore that, but only because I'm pretty sure you want me to.

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