So come on. Let's stop wasting time. Let's quit dickin' around like a couple of dicks, and let's get married. For real. Why should we get married? Great friggin' question. If I was a poet, I'd construct a sonnet detailing the reasons why. As it stands, I write for Cracked. So I made a list.
On Things We Have in Common:
We have so much in common, Kristen Wiig, that it would be irresponsible of us not to get married. We're both moderately famous superstars, for one thing. You're a busy actress doing interviews in Entertainment Weekly, and I'm an influential and respected internet humorist, doing interviews in the
I do this in my backyard on a fairly regular basis. Consider this your formal invitation to join me. Marry me.
On My Qualifications:
Kristen Wiig I would be such a great freakin' husband to you it's not even funny. When you get home from work, I'll listen diligently while you talk about your day. You want to vent about your coworkers? I'm here for you, baby. You want to tell a pointless, meandering story about an experience you had purchasing shoes? I find it very interesting, and I look forward to hearing more about it. Is there an attractive woman at work who makes you feel insecure? You're much prettier than she is, plus I'll tell everyone that she used to have a wiener. Did you have a hard day? Are you exhausted? There's a
This could be our wedding cake topper.
On My Experience:
When I was like 14 or so I dated this chick named Caryn who was a lot like you in both behavior and appearance. I'm not trying to make you jealous or anything, I'm just saying that I'm already fairly well versed in dating someone that is sort of like you, so getting married to someone who
When Kristen dressed up as Pam, my dick's brain exploded.Oh, and one other thing, just some ground rules. I am totally and uncompromisingly against having children, no matter what. I think babies are stupid, there are already too many people in the world, and I hate pregnant women, so I will never want to have children. ... Unless, of course, you want children, in which case I'll pump you so full of kids you won't know whether to build a crib or a warehouse, Kristen Wiig. *** So there it is, Kristen Wiig. You can leave your response in the comments below, or you can email me or you can just meet me at our wedding, this Sunday, (I think that'll be best). I invited all the Cracked readers, I hope that's cool. Also I'll be wearing a cape. Hugs and Kisses, Stars and Wishes, -Daniel.
* You also mentioned in that interview that you have a boyfriend. I'm choosing to ignore that, but only because I'm pretty sure you want me to.
Things could always be much, much worse.
You've probably never heard of it.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.