Wii Fit (90 dollars), I can get like sixty Firm tapes at the swap meet and still have enough left over for their patented fanny lifter. Sure, it’s just an overpriced step ladder, but so is the Wii Fit controller, so f**k you. Secondly, if Nintendo’s track record of family-friendly entertainment is any indication, Wii Fit will not allow me to work out with a semi developing in my short shorts, and, frankly, that’s one of the only things that gets me through the workout in the first place. Let me put it this way; here’s a screenshot from Wii Fit: And a photograph I keep in my wallet of the TV screen about halfway through The Firm: And don’t tell me that s**t’s not intentional. They had to break out a ladder to get that shot. And although I can’t fully convey the wonder of all-synth workout music to you through words, suffice to say The Firm’s soundtrack was written entirely by 80’s porn composers who converted to Mormonism. There’s a synth version of “Mama’s Little Baby Loves Shortenin’” they play while the woman’s doing lunges…sometimes I have to put a tarp down. So kids, please, get fit. But do it the old fashioned way: while ogling women and lifting 3 to 5 pounds. Leave your workout routines to the Japanese, and you might not like what you get.

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When not blogging for Cracked, Michael eschews Tae Bo as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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