[EDITOR'S NOTE: As anyone who was in the Cracked offices on February 26th can attest, what follows is a pretty honest account of how these five conversations actually went. Unfortunately.]
Call # 1: Orna, Warner Bros.' Online Press Representative:
ORNA: Orna [last name deleted]?
DOB: Orna, hi, this is Dan O'Brien. Regarding the Watchmen
premier, I'm calling from-
ORNA: Sorry, we're totally full.
DOB:...I'm calling from Cracked.com, it's a comedy Internet, and I-
ORNA: We're totally
, I'm sorry.
DOB: ...And I'd like press tickets for the premier. Internet.
ORNA: Again, we're completely full.
DOB: No, but I want a press ticket, for me, for the premier. I'm huge on the Internet.
ORNA: I'm sorry.
Not great, but I'm still optimistic. To tell the truth, I was a little late to the game. Every idiot with a website probably already called and reserved the spots set aside for Online Press so, in retrospect, I didn't have a chance. But what I did
have was the number for the Print Press representative. I also have incredibly negotiable morals that make it really easy to lie to people. People like Gina [last name deleted].
Call # 2: Gina, Warner Bros.' Print Press Representative:
GINA: Afternoon, this is Gina.
DOB: Hi, this is Dan O'Brien with Cracked dot--- (Shit. Think fast.
)...Magazine... Cracked. Dot. Magazine. (That wasn't fast at all!
GINA: I'm sorry...Cracked Dot Magazine?
DOB: Yep, that's us.
GINA: 'Cracked' like 'broken?'
DOB: Yes. 'Cracked' like 'broken.'
DOB: Dot Magazine.
GINA: Okay, how can I help you?
[This part is crucial, DOB. You need to charm her
before she has time to lookup 'Cracked Dot Magazine.' Charm her, dammit.
DOB: I want Watchmen
tickets for me, please. Free. I'm with the Press, so they'd be free, for Monday, at the Chinese...Chinaman's Theater.
GINA: Grauman's Chinese Theater?
GINA: I'm sorry, but we're all out.
DOB: No, but for the press. I'm with...(Don't you dare say it again.
) A magazine.
GINA: I understand, but we're still out, unfortunately.
DOB: Okay, but, just what about one, for just Daniel?
GINA: Who's Daniel?
GINA: What magazine did you say you were with.
Again, not totally terrific, but I feel like we're getting closer. True, I didn't technically get the tickets, but Gina sounded really attractive, so on the whole, the call was very pleasant. Also, I still had another trick up my sleeve of ethical flexibility. It was time to call Warner Brothers
on behalf of television.
Call # 3: Kim, Warner Bros.' Television Press Representative:
KIM: This is Kim.
DOB: This is Dan O'Brien with [series of unintelligible slurs to cloud the fact that I'm not technically affiliated with a television station.
DOB: I'm calling regarding acquiring press passes for this Sunday's Watchmen
KIM: I'm sorry, we're filled past capacity at this point.
KIM: Oh... So there's... There's no room, anymore, we can't fit anyone else in.
KIM: I'm sorry.
DOB: I see.
[At this point, I stopped really caring about the press screening. I just wanted to not pay for the movie.
KIM: So I guess there's nothing we can-
DOB: No, no, hold on. What about another time?
KIM: What? Monday is our only press screening.
DOB: Uh huh.
KIM: And then...and then the movie opens.
DOB: Right, it's cool that I can't get to the press screening, but can you just give me tickets to, like, a Friday showing or whatever? At an AMC or
something? I can send you the addresses of AMCs in my area and you can just tell them it's okay to let me in. I'll take a Wednesday.
KIM: No, we don't... We don't do that. We don't just give out tickets. Who are you with again?
DOB: TV, television, Inter- Uh, thanks for everything, have a great day.