Whether he's fishing for compliments using his exposed man-tits or flipping dudes in a judo class ...
AFP/Stringer/Getty Images Keep your intellectual bookworms. I prefer my leaders to be constantly trying to prove something to their unimpressed father.
... or playing hockey against Russia's super-rich to show them who's boss ...
*cue Curb Your Enthusiasm theme*
... or threatening to invade every country that looks at them funny, damn near everything Putin does is an attempt to prove he's a man. It's like if Tim Allen's caveman grunt was running a country.
Faux masculinity is at the center of it all. Russia's economy has been in shambles for years, and the only reason they're relevant is that they keep trying to destabilize the Western world with their ultraconservative horseshit. When you come out against something as intrinsic to human life as diversity, clearly the problem isn't the world. You're an angry, isolated loon.
I can make fun of Putin and his faux machismo all I want, but nothing I say will come close to being as good of a burn as when German Chancellor Angela Merkel once boiled Putin down to his sad base elements: "I understand why he has to do this - to prove he's a man ... He's afraid of his own weakness. Russia has nothing, no successful politics or economy. All they have is this."
That's all Vladimir Putin is: an ultraconservative man in his mid-60s who wishes things could be like they once were, back before everyone had autonomy. He's so terrified of a changing world that he doesn't understand that his only reaction is to lash out, punish it, and try to control it. Vladimir Putin is the world's miserable unemployed stepdad. He will not rest until you feel just as shitty about yourself as he does.
And the frightening thing is that people are actually buying into his bullshit.
Luis' next cup of tea will have a grenade in it. He'd like to thank his friend Romney Manassa for his help and expertise on the subject of Putin's fuckery. Read Romney's thoughts on global affairs over on his blog Sarvodaya. While he's still alive, follow Luis on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.
Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: The monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand-new, relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex.
On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of Sex At Dawn, onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think.
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