John Dowd wears finely cut suits made from the flesh of asshole prosecutors who dared make eye contact with him and were vaporized on the spot by his fiery legalese. "This is war, and I will defeat you!" Why anyone dares step into a courtroom with Dowd has been studied for over 50 years by anthropologists, and they're no closer to achieving any sort of logical understanding. John Dowd fucks his opponents so hard that their mothers can't even sit down properly for the next day and a half. He's 6'4", motherfucker! Have you ever stacked white-hot justice that high without having it punch a hole straight through your sternum so it could wear you as a goddamn hat? Fuck no! FUUUUCCCKKKK NOOOO!!!
John Dowd dares anyone to even think the word "Russia" within three blocks of him. If his spider sense gets to tingling, if you even have a drink poured made from vodka, he will fucking windsprint like a PCP-addled gibbon through traffic, crowds, and goddamn windows to hurl you like a pagan sacrifice into the roiling pits of his justice volcano. This is not a goddamn game. THIS. IS. WAR.
"I law like I fuck: HARD."
"I am not a snowflake, I can tell you that," says Dowd, possibly while feasting directly from the inside of a grizzly bear he strangled with his own dick. The article briefly degrades into talk of actual court-type stuff, but it is only meant to lull you into a false sense of security before we get back to Michael Bay Presents: Lawyer, as Dowd and the writer continue to hammer home the idea that this is not a 76-year-old man who should, statistically speaking, be dead, but a goddamn unstoppable force of nature. They say he'll be a "ferocious defender of the President," because he literally ate that bear's soul and gained its powers! Six foot fucking four inches! You know how tall James Comey is? Six feet under, bitches!
Is it necessary that this old, old, old man be presented as what would happen if Rambo and Clarence Darrow had a baby? Yes. Because too many action heroes these days are based on Marvel Comics. What the hell is an Iron Man? That shit isn't real. What is real is Grampy Dowd and his tough-as-nails approach to habeas corpus.
Expect to see Dowd in court ripping his shirt off and putting every Democrat within Camel Clutch range into the throes of pain and humiliation, because that is how good lawyering is done. Fuckin' research? Well-thought arguments? Precedent? Goddamn evidence? Do you even law, bro? Have you made any sweet legal gains? WHY DON'T YOU EAT SOME MORE OF THESE STRAINED PEAS, YOU FUCKING NANCY BABY? WHY DON'T YOU DIE IN A HOUSE FIRE TO PRESERVE A SHRED OF YOUR DIGNITY? GGGRAAAGHHHH!!!! LAAAAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!
John Dowd. Remember the name, nerds. He's coming, and justice is coming with him.
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