But what did The Mummy get? It got The Mummy's Hand, which was probably very entertaining for the people who watched 1932's The Mummy and thought "I would love this way more if it was f*****g terrible." After that, we were gifted with The Mummy's Tomb, The Mummy's Ghost, and The Mummy's Curse, but don't let all of those different titles fool you -- they're all just worse versions of The Mummy. After the first one, that series becomes one long open casket funeral for the character. Sure, they sort of look the same as they did when they were alive, but now they're way more inflexible and smell like the cabinet under a sink.
The same goes for the Hammer films, which peaked, like most good movie series, whenever Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee were forced to fight to the death on screen. The Mummy series that starred Brendan Fraser is better than what we usually got in that time period ("The world's gonna end / The bomb is gonna drop / The aliens are gonna win unless we can find someone that knows how to use a computer!"), but they're still at the ass end of nostalgia. It would be great to go back and say, "Wow, these are truly unsung classics!" And admittedly, the scarab beetle things that ate the insides of people haunted my nine-year-old brain for a straight year. But they're not. They're simply movies that happened. On the scale of farting to cheering, I give them all two indifferent burps.
Best review since 1998.