Why I'm Better Than The Mars Lander

DID YOU HEAR?! The Mars lander may have found ice on Mars! That's right; in the cold reaches of space, millions of miles away, water freezes. Hooray. Now, there aren't a lot of things I'm inherently good at: blogging, parasailing (never been, but I'm pretty sure)…actually, that's about it. But even so, I'm proud to announce that I am inherently superior to the Mars lander in every conceivable way. Looks: I may not get attractive women knocking down my door, but I’d sure as hell beat this thing in the swimwear portion of a male modeling competition. I mean it’s only got one big, stick-like metal arm, whereas my two arms are pleasantly meaty and human-sized. If you dispute my claims, just ask the nearest woman if she’d rather have sex with Michael Swaim, or a pointy metal table. I think you’ll find that nearly 68 percent of the time, I’ve got the Mars lander beat hands down.
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Technologically: NASA would have us believe that the Phoenix lander is a wonder of modern science just because it can be sent somewhere, then do stuff they told it to and call them about it. Well I hate to rain on your parade, scientists, but last night we were out of dog food, so I went to the grocery store, and then when I got there I forgot what kind I was supposed to get, so I called my fiancée at home to find out. And I did it all for less than 420 million dollars. Sure, Mars may be a little farther away, but the principle is the same. Give me a cell phone with a camera in it and send me on my way. Having a weird floppy tube hanging off me: There was some concern that the Mars lander was malfunctioning when people saw images of it and noticed a weird, loose tube flapping limply off the side of it. Oddly, this is the same concern I faced in similar circumstances the night of Junior Prom. But, unlike the Phoenix lander, whose “passive wind indicator” is nothing more than a dangling tube used to measure windspeed on Mars, my “active pleasure indicator” can measure windspeed, provide hours of entertainment, and, given the right environment, PRODUCE A FULLY-FORMED HUMAN BEING. Existing in Space: I’m doing it right now. You want to see me outside of an atmosphere? Fine, make it happen. I would no less exist there than I do here. Functionally Existing in Space: All right smart guy, you got me. Yes, I would instantly explode and freeze to death and burn or whatever. But let me ask you something. What costs more, a 420 million dollar space probe, or the cost of providing me with a motorcycle helmet and a few bottles of Oxygen pills? I rest my case. I am superior to the Mars probe, and far more affordable. NASA, you have my information (I was the guy you told to stop calling after I kept asking whether you’d found my Frisbee. And by the way, if you do find it, please let me know—it’s orange. It’s not even really mine is the thing.).
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael haughtily compares himself to objects in his house as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
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