Why Christmas 2020 Could Be An All-Time Nightmare

What does the reaction to that look like when we're in full War On Christmas mode, when all of conservatives' most paranoid fantasies are suddenly coming true on camera?

Now imagine Tucker cuts to a clip of a weeping woman, saying she was just told they were cancelling their city's annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony ("My grandmother is devastated! This could be her last Christmas!"), a clip that is run side-by-side with footage of the massive BLM protests from the summer. "So the left says this is okay to do during this supposed deadly pandemic, but Christians can't celebrate Christ's birthday?" Tucker will say. "We all know the real agenda here."

Jesus, I'm making myself mad just imagining that in his voice.

Oh, wait, it gets worse. Now imagine Trump is coming off a lost election, loudly proclaiming every day that it was stolen due to mail ballot fraud. He now has literally nothing to do with his day but stoke the culture wars full-time. He's taking to Twitter every four minutes or so with some version of, "Just as we told you! As soon as a DEMOCRAT is ELECTED they make CHRISTMAS ILLEGAL! This time next year, being a Christian in America will get you PRISON! LIBERATE BLITZEN!"

At that point, what are city and state governments with active outbreaks to do? Just allow the gatherings to happen to avoid the backlash from people who believe they're literal martyrs? And keep in mind...

So now imagine infections are rising again, but lockdowns have become politically untenable and you have most of a country that hasn't engaged in any big family celebrations all year. Maybe there's a feeling of relief after the election, a sense of having crested a hill. So who is going to be in the mood to socially distance again? "Haven't we sacrificed enough?!?"

Keep in mind, nothing that we've canceled so far has anything like the national cultural significance of Christmas -- nothing compares. Christmas is the embodiment of the modern American religion, this weird blend of Christianity and consumerism, a celebration of all the things we still believe in: Family, generosity and, uh, winter, I guess? Sorry, I can never figure out how Frosty fits into it. The point is, it's no surprise people get worked up about any perceived restrictions. But that's a problem, because ...

And if you think it was hard keeping Americans out of bars and restaurants over the summer, wait until you see the reaction from parents who've been socialized to believe that failing to provide a good Christmas for their kids is gross parental malpractice. Think about how many of their own childhood memories revolve around Christmas, how aware they are that they won't get many of them before the kids turn into cynical teens. Think about how much they'll be guilted by their own elderly Trump-loving parents into making the trip ("We haven't seen the grandkids since last year!").

Even if these hypothetical parents have been playing perfectly by the rules every minute up until then, wouldn't this be where they draw the line? ("I mean, even world wars stopped for Christmas!")

Look, if we're lucky, this whole column will come off as alarmist nonsense by the time the solstice arrives. But it feels like the holidays could be the culmination of everything the virus and Trump has done to us, all of those simmering tensions reaching a boiling point. I don't know what the resulting shitstorm looks like but I'm thinking it won't be good. So, uh, maybe buy my book before then.

You can pre-order Jason "David Wong" Pargin's book Zoey Punches the Future in the Dick on Amazon, at Barnes and Noble, Bookshop or any place books like this are sold. You can also follow him on Twitter, his Instagram, or Facebook, or YouTube or Goodreads, or any of the many accounts he's forgotten about.

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