This is why our first Golden Age of Candy was during prohibition, and our second was during the "free drugs and sex" craze of the 1970s. This is why when we fantasize about new candies, we make them creepy and bad. And this is why we don't crave new and novel candies. We're not after the candy's flavor; we're after the sugar rush, and we don't want to risk missing out on it by trying something new.
This makes me mad. I don't like thinking that Big Candy has burrowed into my brain and laid eggs that will eventually hatch into questionable decisions. And this is why ...
We Deserve Better Than This
I want you to take a moment to look at yourself in the mirror. Just look -- don't judge yourself, don't hold yourself to any standards, just take in what you look like. Let your eyes linger on your features. Absorb yourself. Love yourself as only you can.
Focus on the fact that there's never been anything like you, and there never will be again. And due to humanity's triumphs and hard-learned lessons, you have more opportunity and capability than 99.9 percent of the human beings that have ever lived on this planet. If you dedicate yourself, there's damn near nothing you can't accomplish. I believe that, I truly do. And that's why you deserve better candy. And that's why we need to burn everything.
Yeah. You thought you were going to get off easy, didn't you, candy people? That's right, I'm talking to you now. You thought I was going to tell my readers to write their congressperson, or protest in the streets, or start some kind of pansy-ass boycott. But we're way past that. You led us astray, somewhere, fed us a terrible injustice, and you gave us nothing in return.
That's not how this works. The deal is, and has always been, that for every great injustice, we get a luxury. You can ruin the environment, but it's fine because I drive a car with a turbo-charged V6. I don't notice child labor in China because I'm too busy playing games on the iPhone they made me. This is a simple system, but here, you fucked it up. You switched all your candy over to corn syrup instead of sugar, and in exchange you gave me lower prices -- but no innovation. And that is bullshit. That is street-corner drug dealer behavior. That is unacceptable. And now you must pay.
To my readers, I say this: Join me. Join me in the streets, that we might baptize the world in flame.
JF Sargent is running outside to set something on fire, naked. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.
For more reasons why candy lacks the innovation our country is known for, see the candy wax lips that not even a Batman villain would love in 5 Candies You Hated Getting Every Halloween. Candy has gotten so bad that Soren has taken to eating live animals to satiate his drunken sweet tooth. Try not to gag when you read 6 Animals Clearly Disguised as Candy (A Drunk Column).
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