I haven't really delved too much into the Twilight
bashing that's swept the Internet lately. Part of this is my wariness of nerd-on-nerd violence in general, but perhaps more importantly, I also had no interest in learning anything at all about Twilight
. In fact, aside from the barely-legal variety, I don't really have an interest in teenagers either. However when news broke last week of a possible Twilight Massively Multiplayer Game
being created, my interest was finally piqued. The idea of a community combining MMO players (sweaty, pale, pathetic) with Twilight
fans (pale, pathetic) was too much to pass up. "What a great way to offend millions of people." I said, right before penning this article, which if I got everything right, will offend millions of people. Probably you, in fact. So, you know, heads up.
From a gaming perspective, lots of questions are raised by the prospect of a Twilight
MMO. Will the game be a conventional World of Warcraft
MMORPG, with it's dungeons, monsters and equipment hoarding masses, except now set in the fearsome and epic landscape of western Washington? Or would it be a sort of electronic brothel, with vampires exchanging come-hither looks with werewolves and owls fucking leprechauns, all set in the erotic and sensual landscape of western Washington? What would a "25 man raid" entail exactly?
To find out how a MMO like this would go down with the
community, I decided to ask around in a popular Twilight
forum. For the sake of your eyes, I didn't take screenshots of my experiences there. For some reason Twilight
fans use forums like they were chatrooms and, as every single person had a 300-pixel tall signature, all of which look like this:
... it would have made this article 65 pages long, broken your monitors and collapsed the Internet into a really stupid singularity. You're welcome. The transcript of my attempts to gather feedback are below. This was all copied verbatim, with the exception of the smileys. If it helps, imagine there's about six-billion of these:
Robotman!!: Hi everyone.
LoveHamster: -enters and bows-
Tollum: Hi Hamster!
AnonAmoxy: HAY Hamster!
Bella3278: -lifts her leg up and wraps it around Gavin's thigh-
Bella3278: hi hamster
GavinOwnsABoat: -kisses Della passonately, stroking her soft neck with his long fingers-
Robotman!!: Hye guys, I'm writer for a "popular" "website" and I'm trying to get some feedback on what the Twilight community thinks about this new Twilight MMO game that will be coming out. Is this the kind of game you'd play? What would you want or not want to see in a game like this?
LoveHamster: -wiggles his ears-
Bella3278: - nips at Gavin's tongue lightly with her teeth-
ChauncyDragon - Hawt!
Robotman!!: Seriously, what?
RP4EVA: -kiss Gavin-
Tollum: -dances around haiiply-
Robotman!!: Jesus Christ. Have you guys been snorting ramen seasoning?
Bella3278: -tgs at her hair impatiently-
SweetBologna: sdkjlgsyukdvk,ssa OMG
GavinOwnsABoat: -grabs bella by the arm and throws her on the bed-
Robotman!!: WHAT THE APE SHIT ICE CREAM BALLS IS GOING ON HERE?
LoveHamster: La la la!
Robotman!!: STOP IGNORING ME YOU ASS SANDWICH MURDER FIENDS!
At that point I got a private message from GavinOwnsABoat announcing I had been kicked off the forum, and IP-banned. Standing up from my computer, I left my office and walked into the hall. Seconds later, Gladstone came flying out of his office, his eyes damp. He grabbed me by my huge, fashionable lapels and shook me.
"Can you fix my computer? I just got kicked off a forum for no reason!" A terrible sound violated the air, seemingly coming from all directions. It took a few moments before I understood it was Gladstone, vibrating at an incredible speed. I frowned. So they had IP-banned the whole office network. This would be tricky. I walked down the hall to Cracked Editor Jack O'Brien's office and stuck my head in.
"Hey Jack, can I borrow your