9

Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro

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Mount Kilimanjaro's name might literally mean "White Mountain." This would be totally appropriate, considering how crowds of white people flock to its many easily-hikeable paths and impressive-sounding name each year. For them, summiting Kilimanjaro is an excuse to talk about training for months while only having to train for weeks. It also offers the rare opportunity to use the word "summit" as a verb, as demonstrated in the previous sentence.

8

Upcycling

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7

Glamping

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"Imagine visiting a remote island overlooking a tropical jungle in your 4-star treehouse appointed with the luxuries you would find at any high-end resort." -- Glamping.com

6

Home-Brewing Beer

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Have you ever read The Jungle? We have the Food and Drug Administration in this country for a reason. And recently, the main reason seems to be that we need protection from thousands of white men who think they can make amazing beer in completely non-sterile settings and with no knowledge of food science.

True story: A few guys I know bought one of those shitty Brew Your Own Beer kits. The resulting brew was so revolting that it left all of them spraying pure liquid waste from both ends for three days.

Another True Story: I have a friend who tried making his own beer with the intent of maybe, possibly, if everything went well, knock on wood, being able to sell it to local bars so that he may one day, possibly, God willing, leave his day job to become an independent brewer. A short while into this, he said to me, (and I quote), "My house smells like pussy." This was not because his life had turned into a Budweiser commercial.

5

Whittling/Woodworking

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No matter how badass Ron Swanson made it look, woodworking is not cool. Only Ron Swanson can make it cool, and you are not Ron Swanson. Period. You are just a white guy making a birdhouse for his grandmother. One which she'll likely just hang from a tree out of sheer politeness, like a parent who puts their child's macaroni art on the fridge door. Hell, you could carve an astonishing eight-person dining table from a single red oak with a butter knife, and the most impressive thing about it would be if people still liked you enough to eat dinner on it.

It's not known if nonwhite people can make whittling cool, because they cannot sit on their front porch with a knife in their hands without worrying about being shot.

4

Adult Coloring Books

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3

ROOOOAAAD TRIIIIIIP!

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2

Board Games

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Hey, remember the first time white people took over Puerto Rico? No? That's okay, because you can relive it in all its colonial glory, just as soon as you get through the 27-page rulebook.

wikipedia.org

1

Drones (Droning?)

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Let's get this shit straight, white people: A drone is an RC plane with a cooler name. For forever, the guy at the park holding the remote control with a gigantic antenna and staring at his plane through his enormous bifocals wasn't considered cool, even though every word of that description screams otherwise. But call that plane a "drone," and everyone thinks they're piloting a robotic fighter jet. They've all got "Danger Zone" blaring in their brains.

Top Gun

So you're not cool when you are "taking the drone out for a spin to get some really great aerial video." One, everyone knows you are just trying to get footage of your neighbor's teenage daughter in her bikini, you pervert. And two, even though the biggest fan of drones right now is black, considering who is running in fear from them, I doubt they will catch on outside the white community over here any time soon.

Read why becoming an adult sheds your desire to role play as "Elrog the Dickpuncher" in 5 Hobbies You Loved As A Child (And Why They Suck), and roll your eyes along with us as you read about the "Paper Airplane Throwing World Championship" in 5 Dumb Hobbies You Won't Believe Have World Championships.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see why you're better off brewing your own beer in If Beer Ads Were Forced to Be Honest, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

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Check out Robert Evans' A Brief History of Vice: How Bad Behavior Built Civilization, a celebration of the brave, drunken pioneers who built our civilization one seemingly bad decision at a time.