When Anonymous Battles Scientology, We All Win

Have you ever wanted to live in a cyberpunk movie? Well, now you can, save the bullet time and endless stream of European techno throbbing in the background. Just join rogue hacker groups like “Anonymous” and take up the fight against Scientology. Then you too can release rad “underground” scare videos like this one:

I got chills. Of course, I get chills whenever I hear a digitized voice. Remember when Cher’s “Life After Love” was on the radio like every other song? Not a comfortable time for me. Anonymous really sells the hacker image, complete with a threatening coda and blatant disregard for public safety. The only bit I really find hard to buy is the “we do not forget.” I mean, most programmer kids I know forgot about everything they were doing the second Portal came out. And for all the appearance of being a massive, organized, Internet force, the comments at the end of
Continue Reading Below


this interview make it clear to me that Anonymous is more of a group in the spiritual sense. You join by saying you’ve joined, and then you just kind of do what you do in the name of the group. Like me: I collect and paint turn-of-the-century wooden train figurines. AND I DO NOT FORGIVE. But, hey, let’s hope they get some people off of Cruise Control. It’s an admirable aim; I just don’t think I’d be too eager to quit my religion because this guy asked me to:
Continue Reading Below


They’re kind words, but I’m kind of afraid the whole time that he’s going to lift up that visor and just be a skull. Again, it’s almost certainly the creepy music, which seems to be a recurring motif in anti-scientology work. The best example I could find is
Continue Reading Below


this thing about all the people Scientology has killed, which I could take a lot more seriously if it didn’t use the “Requiem for a Dream” song. When you have to push your beliefs with such obvious fear tactics as reminding me of the movie that ruined my taste for ass-to-ass, my conspiracy antennae tend to extend. Which isn’t to say Scientologists aren’t still nuts:
It’s definitely going to be an interesting struggle to follow, at least until all the Anonymous members are distracted by a new LOLcat on 4Chan (this one has three cats, a computer, and corms!). Now let’s hope some guys from Anonymous find this post, decide it insults them, and light up the comments section. Then maybe Cracked will give me a raise and I can afford a can of hairspray and a lighter to combat the nest of bats in my office. I know. They spring for an office, but they leave the bats. It’s crazy.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes underground cyberpunk videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments

More Blogs

15 Things Socially Awkward People Need To Know

Don't sweat the small stuff.


5 People Who Abused Their Power For Terrible Music Careers

Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.


5 Weirdly Specific Movie Tropes That Are Suddenly Everywhere

How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?


4 Dark Alternate Theories About Famous Hollywood Deaths

The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.


4 Movies From The Past That Nailed 2020 America

Nothing is new. These movies are proof.


4 Accolades That Don't Really Mean Anything Anymore

It's easy to work the system and win these awards even if you don't deserve them.