Is this you? Then suffer no more! Here is my guide to the ex-boyfriend's pregnancy experience. Or ex-girlfriend's. Or several polyamorous couples who have lost touch with a now-pregnant member of their cult. Really, this book is for anyone who has loved, lost, and foolishly stayed Facebook friends.
You should probably start drinking now if you expect to keep up.
Before She Conceives
Oh, this was a magical time in your lives together. Sadly, it is over now. The love you once shared, magical and heartfelt like an early era Weezer song, is now an emotionless echo, like a contemporary Weezer song. The important thing now is diet, exercise, and relaxation.
Right now, your only job is to not end up drunkenly chewing fistfuls of Chinese food over the sink while you sing "Pursuit of Happiness" to an empty house. You will know you are ready for pregnancy when you can slam-gulp an entire White Castle Crave Case without choking on your uncontrollable sobs.
Prepare your body for pregnancy: Try to smile through one shocking revelation every day until it looks sincere. In time it will be! Or you will be a husk. Either way -- change is coming! Hooray for you!
Keep pushing your limits! Did you make it out of bed yesterday? Today, go outside. It's a beautiful day! Christ, you have nobody to share it with. You never know what you can do until you try!
Technically, your crippling depression is an extreme form of relaxation. Focus on daily life, and don't worry! There's plenty of time for regret when you're old and you realize you've let happiness slip through your fingers.
"I was a fool not to take in the Tijuana donkey show while I still could."