, hell, I got a hole-in-one in real golf.
This stuff is certainly difficult but I do it. And I put up with how badly society wants me to be the Golf God, but there's got to be a give and take, right? You want a superhero, so I'll be one, fine. Just so long as I can get some fucking done on the side. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. The media follows me every day to see what I'm doing. People come up to me on the street and tell me I'm the greatest. If I'm so great, shouldn't I be fucking something? I think you see my point. Additionally, you may not know this, but my real name is Eldrick Tont Woods.
Say it out loud. Look in the mirror and introduce yourself as Eldrick Tont, and see if you don't want to beat
up. Do you think I scored a lot of ass in high school being a golf-loving, black/Asian/Indian kid named Eldrick?
That's not a boy's name, I sound like some kind of goddamned forest mage.
Do you know how many sorority sisters were chasing after dudes who read Golf Digest
and idolized Jack Nicklaus? Fucking zero.
"Oooh, Eldrick, your putting makes me so hot. Can you show me your Junior World Golf Championship medals again?" Bullshit. A mixed race, giant-toothed kid in Orange County, the whitest place on the planet, who had weird hobbies? Don't tell me I didn't earn as much porking as I can get my hands on.
Look, I'll be straight with you. My marriage is fine, sure. I don't want to talk a lot of shit on my marriage, but at the end of the day, she's a Swedish model who married a professional athlete worth over a hundred million dollars. Terrific girl. Would we have met and married if I wasn't Tiger Woods? Or if she wasn't a Swedish model? I don't know, but probably not. Do you know why she came to America? On the advice of another Swedish model who was married to a golfer.
It's just sort of how things go. And to begin with, when your marriage lives and dies in the media, the sanctity of that marriage is ultimately, at best, shaky. There will always be doubt on both sides, because the circumstances by which we came together are so suspect. "He only likes me because I'm a model," "She only likes me because I'm Tiger Woods." And stop feeling sorry for her. She's fucking Tiger Woods in one of her many luxurious mansions. She's doing fine. And, at any rate, what does it matter? As far as your golf-watching experience goes, what does it even matter? Did you watch me, buy my games and enjoy my commercials because I ruled ass at golf, or because you thought I was faithfully sticking it only to my wife?