Good afternoon, members of the Press, Friends, Family, President of the Nike Corporation, CEO of Buick, Mom and fans across the world. I come before you today to answer for my actions, and I plan on doing that. I want to first thank you all for coming and supporting me during this, for the sake of argument, "difficult" time. All of your letters of encouragement have been very comforting, I guess.
I know all the parts that we're supposed to play. You're all doing an excellent job of being absolutely mortified that I'm human, and I'm supposed to come out and talk about how confused and profoundly damaged I must be. But instead of all that, I'd like to, for once, talk about an adult situation like an adult to a bunch of other adults. Hopefully, by the end of my speech, you'll understand why I did what I did, and we'll all be able to move passed this.
I can't stress how easy these women make incognito fucking. I'll find them waiting in my hotel room, already in my bed and swearing they'll never tell anyone about this and they'll be gone in the morning. A naked chick, in my bed, saying, "No one will find out, I just want to have sex with you one time and then I'll be on my way." You can't even imagine a scenario where that happens for you, and it happens to me
But I'm straying. My point is, I'm in a culture that screams my name and elevates me to God-like status because I'm dynamite at golfing, and I'm surrounded by gorgeous women who make it
Do you know how many sorority sisters were chasing after dudes who read Golf Digest and idolized Jack Nicklaus? Fucking zero. "Oooh, Eldrick, your putting makes me so hot. Can you show me your Junior World Golf Championship medals again?" Bullshit. A mixed race, giant-toothed kid in Orange County, the whitest place on the planet, who had weird hobbies? Don't tell me I didn't earn as much porking as I can get my hands on.
Sex is Awesome and I'm Great At It Look, we're all adults here. This doesn't need to turn into a farce. I know for a fact that if I claim this is a problem, and if I check into rehab for any period of time, every single person who is currently mad at me will forgive me unconditionally. Some of you will support me even harder, because our culture loves comeback stories. I know that all it takes is a few weeks in a resort-like rehab clinic. You don't need a doctor to say I'm cured, you don't need a report detailing my recovery, you don't need to any kind of verifiable proof whatsoever that suggests I've changed in any way. You just need to physically see me walk in and out of a building that says "Rehab" on the side and that is literally all you'd need to forgive me. As easy as that is, I'm not going to do it for two reasons. For one, it's just a shallow, ridiculous play that I want no part of. It's like a puppet show for adults. The reason puppet shows are entertaining when you're a kid is because
And finally, I am Tiger Woods Seriously. Do you even get that? Tiger Fucking Woods.
Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.
It's easy to work the system and win these awards even if you don't deserve them.