What Modern Games Are Like If You Haven't Played Since Atari

My oldest son never cared for the Nintendo DSi he got at 5, so I forgot about it. Wong and Cheese and Brockway would write their gaming articles and I'd skip over them -- not because I hate them for losing my venture capital in their Internet Men of Gaming calendar -- but because the subject was just lost on me. To me, Skyrim sounded more like what that stewardess did to me once at 50,000 feet.

Getty
Can you believe that this is the hottest pic of a stewardess Getty had? I mean, the best picture I could find of her?

But then came last Hanukkah (or as you gentiles call it, "'Hanukkah' -- am I spelling that right?"), and our three kids were suddenly all clamoring for gaming systems. My wife went to a midnight doorbuster sale at Target on Thanksgiving and secured the last Nintendo Wii for the little one who was jonesing for Skylanders, an Xbox 360 for the oldest who had to have Assassin's Creed 3, and Dance Central 2 for our daughter. And she did it all simply by stabbing several other greedy customers in the eye with pointy Christmas ornaments. Two days later, I bravely went to GameStop alone to heroically buy myself a used copy of Left 4 Dead. It was a Hanukkah miracle. After over 20 years, gaming was back in my home. What follows are the details of my inspiring exploration.

Also, the violence, while graphic, didn't feel violent, because rather than machine gunning someone's head off, you just push the "X" button, setting a murder into motion. It's a strange disconnect from the action for a kid who was used to zapping space invaders. Here's a bit of the game with some English pud narrating it:

The Aftereffects

For weeks now, I have been mumbling "X!" in the direction of anyone who has annoyed me. I've also been making up terrible James Bond-esque murder puns, like, "Could I get this in an ... X-TRA LARGE!" and "I normally don't kill slow pedestrians, but for you I'll make an X-CEPTION!"

It's a pretty great game. It will actually teach you how to dance and it will get your heart going and give you genuine exercise if you play enough. That's pretty impressive for a video game. During the whole time, however, I couldn't shake the feeling that there were 14-year-old boys out there masturbating while watching the sexier characters of the dance crew. Busting a nut while gangsta Jessica Rabbit busted a move. Idea for video: kid gets points for jerking off to Dance Central when his masturbatory movements resemble the motions he's supposed to copy onscreen.

The Aftereffects

I made a resolution to play every day instead of doing the elliptical. Hasn't happened yet.

It took a while to get used to the two-pronged Nintendo controller with the Nunchuk motion-sensor part, but that's fun, and I got to play with the boy by having me steer while he hit "A" and zapped the bad guys.

The Aftereffects

Having to buy lots more Skylanders figures and merchandise.

Zombies typically scare me -- not because they're so strong, but because they still have some humanity, and in most movies you have to get really close to them to destroy the brain. It's sad. Taps into a fear of only making something suffer more by attempting to put it out of its misery. Anyway, I don't have that problem with Left 4 Dead because you're usually machine gunning at long range. It does, however, tap into another fear -- not knowing whether to look in front of you or behind you in the dark. That's what makes those real walk-through haunted houses scary. It's a heightened sensory feeling with an adrenaline rush.

Oh, by the way, I played for a week before knowing how to use the D-pad, or what I like to call the plus button in a circle. Now I can say that one of the greatest moments in my life is setting the Hulk zombie on fire with a Molotov cocktail, bringing it to its knees, and machine gunning its flaming head at close range. THANKS, LEFT 4 DEAD!

pizzazombie
I wanted to get a good video of this but I couldn't find it, because apparently I'm more awesome than everyone.

The Aftereffects

The game, no joke, gave me low-level post-traumatic stress disorder and nightmares. When I drive down dark streets in my zombie slayer (minivan), I instantly seek out dark corners, looking for surprise zombie attacks. THANKS, LEFT 4 DEAD!

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