It stayed that way, until one day we decided to not wait several hours to be our worst selves. Thin crepe-like pancakes were a staple of American dinners during the Revolutionary War. Then people added a leavening agent to make them rise and realized we'd all be much better off if we started our day with fleeting joy.
Donuts weren't associated with breakfast until we invented machines that could mass-produce them, which led to donuts showing up in more bakeries. This coincided with the increased availability of coffee in bakeries. People stopped in to grab a morning cup, and the sensual allure of glaze compelled them to grab a donut as well.
Pop-Tarts and sugary cereals were a direct result of America's obsession with convenience. Why make a whole meal of proteins when you can heat this pale slip of crumbly pastry with a thin smattering of fruity sugar sludge in a toaster real quick and launch out the door with your warm heart disease delivery device a minute later?
Why Do Buttholes Have Hair?
Did our anuses need to be kept warm in the winter? Is butthole hair there to reduce the friction between our butt cheeks so our pants don't catch fire? Evolution-wise, it seems counterproductive. The poop would stick to it and cause disease in primitive people who didn't buy wet wipes, right?
The frustrating thing about this question, which seems like it should have a simple definitive answer, is that it doesn't. We've had them since forever, but we have no idea why we've got dry thickets of spooky forest vines surrounding our stink knots like they're protecting the outside world from the witch that lives within. But we do have solid theories that we're running with, since no one is brave enough to study asshole hair for a living. Turns out my joke about reducing friction between cheeks might be part of the explanation. Another is that butt pubes (bubes) might have something to do with olfactory communication.
See, your unique stink is your body's way of releasing pheromones that tell those around you a little something about yourself that they'd rather not know. One theory is that we're kind of like dogs, in that the stench of our assholes was one of the ways we once communicated -- and we still do. For instance, when you fart in an elevator, you're telling passengers you're a terrorist. The hair traps our unique natural body odors, which supposedly let other (I guess) people know who you are. So if you wax off your asshole hair, you're a step closer to going off the grid. Soon, you'll be free to spend your days building bombs and putting the finishing touches on your manifesto in your cabin in the Ozarks.
Do Chickens Care That We Take Their Eggs?
I don't want to speak for chickens, but if I were a chicken and I spent all that time making eggs in my chicken womb and then popped a few out of my chicken tube, and then some human came in and tried to take it, I'd be like, "Wha? No." Then again, maybe I'm putting too many human qualities on poultry. I mean, it turns out that chickens don't have vaginas and roosters don't have penises, so they don't have sex the way you're imagining. But still, I'd imagine that any animal would get a little riled up if you try to take away their babies. But I don't often hear about hens trying to peck out Farmer John's still-beating heart after he tried to steal their eggs. Do hens even give a shit that we've industrialized the kidnapping of their children?
Depends on the chicken.
If they're taking eggs from non-commercial breeds, there's an element of timing involved. Hens form a "clutch" of eggs, which is when they lay up to 20 eggs but don't actually do anything with them. They're saving them up until the day their hormones ignite and they're overcome with the desire to sit on the eggs and turn them into chicks. Try to take an egg from a brooding hen and pretty much nothing will happen; it'll be pissed, but it's a chicken and we invented the Naked Chicken Chalupa. What are they gonna do?
Wild hens won't lay another egg until their previous bunch has grown up and moved out of the house. By taking the eggs before they hatch, farmers are tricking hens into entering an infinite cycle of laying eggs which they, in their tiny chicken brains, probably think are duds.
Jesus, that's dark. But surely, commercial factory-farmed chickens have it much better!
Brooding over an egg has been bred out of some commercial hybrid hens. The ones used for large-scale egg farming have had the will to fight back against a huge alien overlord stealing their young scrubbed from their instincts, which sometimes results in them crapping out an egg and walking away like they don't even give a shit anymore. That's almost as sad as the infinite loop of chicken infertility.
As a counterpoint, here's a picture of a really good breakfast sandwich I made the other day:
Much respect, lady chickens.
Luis would like everyone to know that cannibal Armin Meiwes is now a vegetarian. He (Luis, not Armin) is on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.
Human meat tastes sweet, and you can try some.
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