According to some popular search engine listings I've just scoured while looking for article ideas, there are an awful lot of people out there right now who are alone and furious with bankers and interested in Asian teens. Assuming that the rest of the Internet is capable of delivering the Asian teen portion of that wishlist, I shall take it upon myself to satisfy the other two, preferably at the same time, much in the same way I could never do with Asian teens.
I guess we'd play Starcraft or something, and I blow at Starcraft.So then, loneliness and bank-fury. Even addressing these issues one at a time is fraught with difficulties. The problems with loneliness have been well documented
"Are those space pants? Because I can see your ass is angry at exorbitant levels of student debt."And then the Occupy Wall Street protests came along. While protesting the greed and unfairness present in today's economy, these events have provided a fertile ground for the young, urban unprofessional to connect with available local singles for chatting,
M: I think I'd recommend protesters should probably dress pretty warmly. We're well into October now, and it's getting a little chilly. C: Warm, huh? So maybe a bit like this guy?
C: Warm, and pretty dapper looking. M: He does actually look a lot better than most people here. And he has a rocket launcher. C: Interesting. So you like men with weapons? How do you feel about other accessories? Like having a clever protest sign, or bottled water or something? M: Why are you so interested in the kind of men I like? C: I'm just asking, if, as a representative of the 99%, you would be impressed if some person had thought to bring a case of water to a protest? M: Actually a guy did hand out bottled water the other day, and he was incredibly popular. C: Exactly. In a protest situation, it's a show of wealth, ironically enough. It's a sign of their ability to be a good provider. M: I suppose so. It shows that you're thinking of others, and not just yourself. Like the 1% do. C: Right! And would you say that a guy with a huge sign which says "Free Backrubs: No Fat Chicks" who then crosses out "Fat" and write "Wealthy" is someone with a sense of humor? Also unlike the 1%? Would you think he's a funny, carefree guy with soft, tender hands? M: What are you trying to do? C: I'm just curious what qualities you value, so that I can direct my readers to come hit on you and your fellow lady-agitators. Ladygitators. M: What? C: Femilitants? Is that better? M: You're going to send creeps to come hit on us? That's disgusting! C: Cracked readers aren't that bad. Just clammy, you know? It's the weirdest demographic, but it shows up clear as day on our webstats. 18-35, clammy people. M: I don't care how clammy they are! If they don't care what we're here for they can stay home! C: Would it make a difference if I could guarantee that no one reading Cracked is in the top 1% of income earners? I know a few of them may make money testing anti-clamminess drugs, but that can't be more than a few bucks. M: ... C: It's all day-patient stuff. Maybe a couple meals. It's nothing. They are the 99%. M: The 99% are not clammy people. C: Now that's a bold statement. Have you checked all the 99% for clamminess levels?
M: And you wanted my help to do this? C: I did. I apologize for the web of lies, although judging from your reaction, they were very necessary, as are most of my webs of lies. And you've been very helpful! Because what I'm hearing from you is that the most important step is authenticity. That when talking with women at protests, a fellow has to truly believe what they're talking about and protesting. Because women are like elephants -- they can always tell when someone is lying. M: That's a good sentiment, but I question the depth of your knowledge about both women and elephants. C: Depth of knowledge is actually a hindrance when providing dangerous misinformation. So then, to wrap this up: On the subject of "sealing the deal ..." M: Ugh. C: ... if you know what I'm talking about. M: I do know what you're talking about. C: Because I'm not talking about signing a contract. M: I get that. C: Although there is a sort of "fountain pen" involved. M: Jesus Christ. Not a single one of your readers will be "signing" anything with me, or anyone else here. C: Are you sure? Because I was talking about a penis. _____________ At that point some technical difficulties disconnected me from Michelle and I was unable to complete the interview. But I think we have enough information to get you clammy bastards started: If you want to cruise women at an Occupy Wall Street style protest, you should be knowledgeable, well dressed, armored and come equipped with appropriate accessories. Suitable accessories include rocket propelled grenades, granola bars and possibly gloves, depending on how your condition is flaring up that day. Any conversations you strike up should be limited to the issues at hand, at least until a rapport is established, at which point you can proceed with more flirtatious behavior. And finally, during the later stages of flirtation, don't use any metaphors when discussing your penis, because they don't seem to enjoy those. Maybe put a little Guy Fawkes mask on it or something. _____________
For more reasons why Chris isn't fit for society, check out 10 Helpful Tips For Bending The Masses to Your Will and Cracked Interviews the Jonas Brothers.
And check out The All-New Cracked.com Zombie Page featuring our most popular zombie articles like Bucholz' How 7 Iconic Movie Characters Would Do In a Zombie Attack.
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How exactly do you get gigs like these?