That must have been harrowing. M: Holy shit, I can't believe I'm having this conversation! You don't get what this is about at all! C: Oh I get it. The banks have done the wrong, but got all the money anyways. The people who aren't the banks are currently away from the money, and in many cases, the jobs. The government does nothing to stop the banks and the wrongs, and even does the wrongs for the banks when the banks ask. Finally, there's something wrong with taxes and that should be different. M: That was ... actually a pretty accurate summary. C: I am actually very sympathetic to your cause, although it is sadly my job to dangerously misinform my clammy readers, and when possible, get them some phone numbers. M: That cannot be your job. C:
I said the exact same thing during my interview! But seriously, I have to get these guys out there, meeting people, making connections. Breeding. Furthering their clammy race.
Also mentioned in the interview! It's in our mission statement too I think.
![Using Occupy Wall Street to Pick Up Chicks]()
M: And you wanted my help to do this? C: I did. I apologize for the web of lies, although judging from your reaction, they were very necessary, as are most of my webs of lies. And you've been very helpful! Because what I'm hearing from you is that the most important step is authenticity. That when talking with women at protests, a fellow has to truly believe what they're talking about and protesting. Because women are like elephants -- they can always tell when someone is lying. M: That's a good sentiment, but I question the depth of your knowledge about both women and elephants. C: Depth of knowledge is actually a hindrance when providing dangerous misinformation. So then, to wrap this up: On the subject of "sealing the deal ..." M: Ugh. C: ... if you know what I'm talking about. M: I do know what you're talking about. C: Because I'm not talking about signing a contract. M: I get that. C: Although there is a sort of "fountain pen" involved. M: Jesus Christ. Not a single one of your readers will be "signing" anything with me, or anyone else here. C: Are you sure? Because I was talking about a penis. _____________ At that point some technical difficulties disconnected me from Michelle and I was unable to complete the interview. But I think we have enough information to get you clammy bastards started: If you want to cruise women at an Occupy Wall Street style protest, you should be knowledgeable, well dressed, armored and come equipped with appropriate accessories. Suitable accessories include rocket propelled grenades, granola bars and possibly gloves, depending on how your condition is flaring up that day. Any conversations you strike up should be limited to the issues at hand, at least until a rapport is established, at which point you can proceed with more flirtatious behavior. And finally, during the later stages of flirtation, don't use any metaphors when discussing your penis, because they don't seem to enjoy those. Maybe put a little Guy Fawkes mask on it or something. _____________
For more reasons why Chris isn't fit for society, check out 10 Helpful Tips For Bending The Masses to Your Will and Cracked Interviews the Jonas Brothers.
And check out The All-New Cracked.com Zombie Page featuring our most popular zombie articles like Bucholz' How 7 Iconic Movie Characters Would Do In a Zombie Attack.
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