wasn't going to be something retarded." He was massaging his temples at this point. "Is that a vague way of saying you'll give me the money? Come on, I'll follow you to the bank." "I'm not going to give you this money, Dan." I'm still gonna follow him to the bank. "I don't understand, Boss. I'm slapping you right in the face with the idea of the century, and all you can say is 'stop slapping me?'" I slapped him a couple of times to drive the metaphor home. "You're a real piece of work, Burt Jackarach. You come all the way out to my office and waste my time just to tell me you won't be supporting me on this? On this, the most important battle in Cracked history? Horseshit." "First of all, this isn't your office, it's a strip club." I was wondering why my secretary took such terrible dictation. And kept charging me for lapdances. "And second of all, I only met with you in the first place because you promised you'd return my cat, the one you stole two weeks ago. Do you have my cat with you, Dan?" "Don't be selfish, Apple Jacks. There are bigger things at work here than you and me." "Where is my cat?" I shook my head. "You just don't get it, do you?" I think I sold his cat and used the money to buy Cheez-its. When it became clear that he wasn't going to get his stupid, nerdy cat back, Jack politely thanked the strippers and left, walking out not just on me, not just on the strippers, not just on the bill, (that I was totally banking on him paying), but on Cracked and, hell, on America.

And so it's down to me. The burden of honor falls on my shoulders. It is up to me to take down the apparent internet juggernaut that is Google.net, (or is it .com? I don't have time to check.). I may not have the necessary funds or the support of my suit-wearing Cracked superiors, or even a formal plan, but mark my words, Internet: Google is going down. This isn't over. Not by a long shot. A f*****g long shot. Google is probably going to push back, to counter my attacks in some way. I've gotta tell you, that wouldn't be wise. Sure, I know what you're thinking, Google. You're thinking 'Did he get fired from Cracked, or not?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But seeing as Cracked does have the power to blow your site clean off the internet, you gotta ask yourself one question: 'Am I feeling lucky?' Well? Are ya? b***h?

More Blogs