Dear rest of the world: lest you think America’s public officials have a monopoly on meaningless war rhetoric, please allow me to direct your attention to Turkey, a country named after a race of birds invented by ancient American Emperor Benamin Jefferson, whom you may know as the man on the Quaker Oats barrel and inventor of the bifocal, pot-belly stove, and almanac. Anyway, Turkey's top military leader, General Yasar Buyukanit, claimed that he would hunt down Kurdish rebels who have killed Turkish citizens and "make them grieve with an intensity they cannot imagine." I don’t know about you, but to me that’s pretty powerful shit. I can imagine some pretty intense forms of suffering:

Getting punched in the gut by a big guy after having eating an entire pizza.

Being reincarnated as Robin Williams’ shirt.

Having a video of me wetting myself at my wedding shown at my son’s funeral.

Being addicted to cocaine, but having a rare mental affliction that renders me incapable of differentiating between cocaine and piles of tiny scorpions.

Sharing an expensive meal with John Leguizamo and his new boyfriend Gilbert Gottfried.

But a suffering I can’t imagine? No thank you, sir, I’m fine here with my Mr. Pibb and grilled cheese sandwich. Sounds like Turks have some pretty fucked up imaginations. Or maybe they don’t, considering that when pressed for elaboration Buyukanit said “we can’t say when or how we will do it, we’ll just do it.” Of course, I’m hoping the reason he said that is because he’s got a think tank of Turkish torture specialists brainstorming never-before-imagined ways in which to make someone grieve. Grieve so hard. Otherwise, wow, way to undercut your frightening image, Yasar. Take a hint from American officials: when you instill fear, make sure it sticks and then use it to keep gays from getting married.

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