Valentine's 2019 was a momentous day for the human race. It was the day vapid corporate synergy reached its zenith when a press release suggested that a pop star's new single sexually aroused a music magazine's vagina.
But perhaps the piece de resistance (that's French for 'Wig Snatch') is 'Marry Me' ...
For those who haven't been brushing up on their lingo, "wig snatch" is drag queen terminology for experiencing something so shocking that your wig falls off. The release later describes a song titled "Foolish" by saying, "It slaps so hard you'll be stanning for days." These are not sentences written by a human, but a suicidal computer that was fed nothing but words trending on Urban Dictionary.
It ends with this bone-chilling sentence:
Choo choo betch! The Love Train is leaving the station and you better get on board.
Of course, there's the possibility that this was written terribly on purpose, and my writing about how it's a cringey, embarrassing piece of s**t it is playing right into their hands. If so, well, you got me, Meghan Trainor's PR team. I surrender to your wily mind tricks. You've fooled me into writing at length about how bad you are at your jobs. You win, joke's on me. Now ride victoriously into the sunset. Choo choo, betch.