Attacking London's Muslim Mayor Hours After A Terrorist Attack
What a great way to make the right wing seem jaw-droppingly cold-hearted. Really White Fang-ing the empathetic people of the world, you know? Throwing rocks at us out of love, because you know we're better off without an authoritarian world filled with toxic patriotism. Accusing London's first Muslim mayor of being indifferent to terrorism and suggesting a knife attack with minimal casualties somehow validated your pro-gun stance, and also repeating the call for a ban on Muslim immigration? I'm stunned at the artistry demonstrated here. A colder performance than Kathy Bates in Misery. We see what we you're doing, and we love you for it.
Golfing In Mar-a-Lago Constantly
Costing the American taxpayers $10 million on three weekend golfing trips? Like they say, you've got to spend money to make money, and in this case we're spending money to drag the world out of this poverty-stricken, nationalistic cesspit. The average American might not see through your clever ruse, but I know no one truly enjoys golf that much. And no one wants to make such a terrible impression in their first month at a new job! You're one of the world's most successful businessmen, come on. When you're one day impeached, I'll be silently weeping from the crowd, tapping my nose like a co-conspirator in a noir film. I know the sacrifices you made, and I will think of you with bittersweet joy every time I salute that damn flag.
This one too.
Blurting Out Bits Of Highly Classified Information
For a movement rooted in patriotism and love of country, probably the greatest way to alienate even your own supporters is to share classified intelligence on a whim to a Russian ambassador, making yourself seem either terribly incompetent or actively endangering your citizens. Either way, it's a huge win for those of us who want to see the far right crushed. You're the Batman to our Gotham. We barely deserve you.
Demanding Passage Of A Healthcare Bill That Would Even Hurt His Own Supporters
Throwing your support behind a bill that would throw millions of Americans off their health insurance plans, including people who voted for you? Leaving millions of people to, well, probably die, and directly violating your campaign promises? Not even Hannibal Lecter is that deeply evil. Not sure I agree with literally sacrificing lives for the cause of making the movement look bad, but hey, I trust your magnificent vision of a better world. We're in safe hands. I only wish that more people saw you for what you truly are: a hero saint bravely disguised as a turd.
Lucy Valentine has a Twitter.
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