Seanbaby
On September 14, 2009, the world lost Patrick Swayze. During his 30-year acting career, he played the role of a Commie-killing high school football player, dancer, Civil War soldier, bouncer, surfing bank robber, ghost, transvestite, trucker, Allan Quartermain, singing cartoon dog and pedophile. To put that kind of versatility into perspective, fellow actor Steven Segal has starred in 417 movies and played a Steven Segal 417 times. Steven Segal couldn't play a pedophile if he was a pedophile.
Patrick Swayze was a musician with a top 10 hit and People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive in 1991. This was back before they gave it to Ben Affleck and the award
Calibrate your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles now.
Turn up the Road House settings of your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles until you can clearly see the image below.
We owe a lot to Dirty Dancing. It was a runaway hit that changed the way people communicated with the language of dance. After this movie came out, the phrase, "Excuse me, would you care to dance," could be substituted with approaching a woman and intensely rubbing your dick against her leg. I skipped a lot of health classes, but that's win/win for everybody, right?
Continue Reading Below
Swayze starred in...
The Second Best Cold War Movie of all Time: Red Dawn
Like everyone who was a kid in 1984, my parents were paranoid gun owners--positive that any day now, the Russians were going to paradrop into our backyard. Back then, people used to fantasize about Soviet invasions like people fantasize about zombie apocalypses today. And Red Dawn was like every fantasy come true. If my parents hadn't kept me so busy reloading spent bullet cartridges, I could have practically masturbated to it. It was about Soviets and Cubans invading Colorado and getting all their Communist shit fucked up by Swayze and a group of high school guerrilla fighters. They even called themselves Wolverines just so they'd have something awesome to scream after they killed Spetsnaz commandos. Between the years of 1984 to 1986, the farm belt went ahead and replaced all crop-generating fields with dick measuring stations because America could live entirely on
Continue Reading Below
Most cross-dressing movies center around the theme that if the worst failure of a man disguises himself as a woman, he's immeasurably better than any woman. I'm not sure if this is because screenwriters hate women or because girls just can't do anything right. To be honest, neither reason would surprise me. In
At one point, people who enjoyed the hobby of pottery also unintentionally enjoyed the hobby of celibacy. Then the movie Ghost came out. After that scene where Swayze bones Demi Moore by the pottery wheel, ceramics were suddenly an aphrodisiac. In the post-
Point Break could be considered a movie about surfing, skydiving, buddy copping or heisting. However, at its core, it's about Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze not quite having sex.
What was the #1 gay movie?
Brokeback Mountain
I considered for a bit giving the #1 gay movie spot to the funniest title I could find in a Google search of man-on-man adult movies, but the decency filter on my word processor wouldn't let me type "Buns Full of Trevor IX." Warning: 104 percent of all 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles have a tendency to badly malfunction when viewing this image.
The fact that Swayze managed to keep a straight face while he and Chris Farley competed against each other in a stripper audition cements him as at least the second finest actor of his generation. Or an android. But if Patrick Swayze was an android this article would be CRAZY.
What was the #1 SNL skit of all time?
Dick in a Box
You can now safely remove your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles to decode the following secret: The power of 3-D SwayzeVision was inside you the whole time.
165 Comments