This piece was written by the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Your body is a meat spaceship, shielding your fragile spirit as it hurtles through the perilous and unforgiving asteroid field of existence. Like the Enterprise, Millennium Falcon, and Serenity, your meat ship needs constant maintenance to prevent disaster. And while you can't use a wrench to make tune-ups (or at least, we don't recommend it), that doesn't mean you can't use cool gadgets like ...
This neat little fold-up massage machine is a day at the spa that you can unroll on your living room floor. Normally $69.99 (nice), you can pick up your 10-Motor Full-Body Massage Mat With Heat in the Cracked Shop for just $59.99 (nicer).
Your poor feet spent all day lugging your lazy legs around, so why not return the favor by buying them a fancy massage machine to ease their pain? This is the exact opposite of cutting off your nose to spite your face. This is rubbing your feet to make your face smile. Normally $139.99, you can buy your Belmint Heated Shiatsu Foot Massager in the Cracked Shop for just $99.99.
Ever wished you could combine the spiritual experience of yoga with the physical experience of stretching? Ever wish your mat had a pillow on it? It's all here, baby. Best of all, we're offering the normally $149.99 Full-Body Stretch Massage Mat in the Cracked Shop for just $109.99.
Most adults will deal with shoulder pain at some point, and this heated robot massager will rocket-punch that pain right out of you. This cutting edge modern version offers three different settings and ten treatments on one battery charge. Plus, it'll make you look like a member of the X-Men. Normally $129.00, you can get your MYOVOLT Massager Kit in the Cracked Shop for just $87.
Imagine a chair that doesn't just hold you while you sit, but actually warmly massages your lower back and shoulders. No, this isn't the fever dream of a Pee-wee's Playhouse enthusiast, but a product you can buy in the Cracked Shop right now. The Sable Heated Massage Chair Pad is available in the Cracked Shop for just $79.99 (that's 41% off the normal $135.99 price).
Alright, forget your feet, as they're total nerds and they smell like ... feet. Your legs are the real heroes. Thank them for their valiant service with two air pumps, therapeutic heat function, and a handheld controller. The Sable Leg Massager is normally $79.99, but you can buy it in the Cracked Shop for just $49.99.
Moxibustion is a form of acupuncture that uses moxa to improve the flow of qi. Basically, if you were in Dragon Ball Z, this would be the thing that helped you launch a Kamehameha. Or at the very least, it'll make your back feel good, and that's all that matters. Normally $198.99, you can buy the iJoou Smart Moxibustion Thermotherapy Device in the Cracked Shop for just $99.99.
The hardest part of getting a massage is finding someone good at massages (and holding in your farts while your muscles are so relaxed). It's a two-step process that none of us have time for. That's why the Shiatsu Portable Back Massager With Heat is so great. It cuts out having to find a masseuse, and it won't judge you for any of your dank poots. Normally $129.99, you can buy yours in the Cracked Shop for just $56.99.
After a long day of relaxing, Make Your Bed Fit For A King With These 5 Sleepytime Items.
Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.