Summer after summer, Hollywood trots out disaster survival movies filled with natural horrors like asteroids, volcanoes, twisters and Helen Hunt. But I ask you: where's the reality? Where's the gritty, in-your face truth? I want a disaster survival movie that smacks of honesty, of the here and now.
I want a disaster survival movie about being trapped in an elevator.
Imagine the pulse-stopping terror: a mother and daughter cleaning team, stuck for the weekend in an elevator. No cell phones, and no food except for two cough drops and six aspirin tablets. Can cannibalism be far behind?
And this is no ordinary stopped elevator. This elevator is on
the bottom floor
. Of a two-story building! Thereâs literally thousands of pounds of mortar and cement piled above them, just waiting to collapse!
The storyâs got everything:
A fiery Latina mom-and-daughter pair.
Human endurance in the face of overwhelming odds.
Going to the bathroom in a corner.
Plus, the production costs are basically nil, leaving you free to devote all of your budget to landing the big-name star thatâs going to make being trapped in an elevator over the weekend the Oscar-bait itâs meant to be. May I suggest Selma Hayek?
And remember, just because itâs based on a true story doesnât mean you canât take some artistic liberties. Maybe the elevator is haunted. Maybe the mother and daughter are also long-lost siblings. Hell, maybe the building has
stories! That, or the whole thingâs in danger of being obliterated by a nearby volcano.
Get on this, Hollywood. Itâs another guaranteed box office winner. I mean, imagine how cathartic it will be for audiences when they relive the womenâs rescue at the hands of a courageous employee of the building who cleverly âoverheard them yelling and called a rescue crew.â You canât write
stuff like that!
Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Arenât Muskets!
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