Tiger Woods Wins Nobel Prize For Golf

Yesterday morning, beloved Nike shill Tiger Woods was awarded the Nobel Prize for "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation in golf," which was an incredible surprise for him to receive so early on in his career, except it's pretty late in his career, so maybe it was just a surprise because no one knew the award existed.  Woods said he was “surprised and deeply humbled," putting to rest speculation that he might turn down the honor no one knew existed.  The announcement was made early Friday morning and Woods said he would accept the prize as a "call to golf more." "To be honest,” Woods said, “I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who have been honored by this prize I just found out about now; men and women who’ve inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of golfing more." The announcement shocked many in the US as well as abroad, specifically in Afghanistan.  Although many Afghans in the countryside have never even heard of the Nobel prizes, those among the educated elite are baffled by Woods' award. "I'm not sure I understand -- this isn't for golf here, is it?" said bank worker Irfan Hazin. "Because we haven't got any." Afghan President Hamid Karzai, whose relations with golf have been distinctly chilly, congratulated the U.S. golfer, expressing the hope that with Woods' "leadership of the backswing and vision of the perfect putt... peace and normalcy will return to Afghanistan and our region."  He added, "Then we can golf." Even the Russians are weighing in, claiming Woods has "not been active in world golf long enough" to deserve the prize. "The awarding of the prize to Woods testifies to the deep disappointment caused by the golfing of Jack Nicklaus," Mikhail Margelov, foreign affairs committee chair in the upper house of the Russian parliament, told a journalist.  "He is golfer, yes?" Woods will be celebrating this amazing honor by taking Michelle Obama and her two children putt-putt golfing.  Her husband will not be present.
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