And you know what? Who cares how cool that would look next to my Captain Phasma action figure on my desk and under my authentic light-up green lightsaber that I have mounted on my wall? I don't even want it. I don't want any of this. Ever.
According to my calculations, Star Wars has already made all the money. All of it. So another $800 per Lego set isn't doing anything else except ensuring Disney is able to gold-plate the litter boxes they give to the Porgs they're going to create with science for their theme parks. And the rest of us have to accept that we can't have the joy of spending a weekend putting together 7,500 pieces of Lego and then leaving it wherever we built it because it's too ungainly to move. We can't have extravagant things because we're not assholes, and we don't secretly pine for them because that would make us assholes. I don't even like Star Wars.
8/31/2017: Lord Of The Flies With Women Has Been Done Before (And Better)
By Lydia Bugg
Warner Bros. has decided the world is finally ready for that Lord Of The Flies remake we've all been hoping for. Except no one gives shit about Lord Of The Flies. If we do have fond memories of that book, it's the time we spent watching cat videos on YouTube after getting distracted from searching for the CliffsNotes version online.
There are so many problems with this idea, starting with the mechanics of working with 20-odd child actors when it's hard to squeeze a drop of decent performance from one adorable little face. Then there's the fact that the book doesn't have a ton of dialogue, and focuses heavily on describing the inner changes to the children in the story. It seems to me that a Ron-Howard-style narrator telling us that Roger is thinking about killing Piggy might bring us out of the moment.
The most talked-about issue with this proposed remake is that it's slapping on an all-female cast, as if that wins them points. How do we explain to men in Hollywood that just putting a bunch of women in a movie that used to star a bunch of men doesn't make women want to go see it. Here's a crazy thing you might not know: There are female writers out there in the world writing stories with women in them. You don't have to take a male character and just hamfistedly plonk a woman into that preexisting role. In fact, there's already a book about teenage girls trapped on an island that's often compared Lord Of The Flies, and it was written by a woman. It's called Beauty Queens by Libba Bray, and it's great.