10/23/2017: So, I'll Probably Eat Taco Bell's Chocolate Quesadilla ...
By Luis Prada
Word around social media circles is that Taco Bell might soon be releasing something called the Chocoladilla. While that might sound like a quesadilla filled with melted candy bar chunks, it's actually an Eldritch horror from the great beyond.
Taco Bell gets a lot of flak for their weird food experiments. They crossbreed all sorts of bizarre things like they're mad HYDRA scientists trying to create a genetically superior food which will inevitably be struck by lightning and devour its creator by flipping him inside out, stuffing him with a burrito, and wrapping him in a Dorito shell. But that's only if you're a "the cup of Mountain Dew Baja Blast is half-empty" kind of person. My Baja Blast is always half-full. Taco Bell's sick interpretation of innovation should be commended for one reason above all: They've industrialized, some would even say weaponized, stoner food. Maybe not even stoner food, since that has a negative connotation. They've corporatized the culture of bored teenagers whipping up bizarre concoctions in their kitchens when they get home from school or when they're bored and broke during the summer.
The recently released Naked Egg breakfast taco is a testament to that ethos. Before Taco Bell came along, eating a fried egg like a taco shell in public would result in having old-timey dog catchers ensnare you with a large net to drag you to the loony bin. But now you can do it in the safe space of a Taco Bell, where you could eat an egg which simultaneously has the consistency of Nickelodeon Gak and vulcanized rubber tires, and be free of judgment when you declare that it's actually pretty damn good, even though you're pretty sure you just ate a first-class ticket to Hell.
The same goes for the Quesalupa, the Naked Chicken Taco, the Doritos Locos tacos, Fritos Burritos, the Firecracker Burrito (which had Pop Rocks in it), and, of course, the Waffle Taco. Taco Bell is like Ocean's 11. It was a fun movie to watch but you could tell it was more fun to make. Their R&D department is just a bunch of weird people getting paid the big bucks to treat food like it's an amusement park. Tell me that isn't a dream job.
But I understand if it's just not your thing. It's not the flavors that have to be acquired; it's the philosophy behind them. Looking back, it probably all started with the release of the Double-Decker taco some decades ago, when some desperate team of mad men and women forged a taco that was the Schrodinger's Cat of corrupted Tex-Mex: a hard taco and a soft taco simultaneously. It was a taco that existed in two states of taco matter. They bent science to their will and made a fortune. It's still on their menu to this day.
So if Taco Bell inadvertently causes the apocalypse when they cross an ethical boundary by putting a Doritos Loco taco in a Quesalupa, dousing it in Volcano sauce, then wrapping it in a deep-fried squid, and then the core melts down and wipes out two-thirds of the human population, you can travel back in time to kill the creator of the Double-Decker before they open Pandora's box of delicious beefy horrors.
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