It's interesting how the last year managed to last ten years. Either the sheer weight of the bullshit has bent the fabric of spacetime, or the human mind just wasn't built to process 30 outrage headlines a day.
But hey, we're still alive! You and I as organisms, and Cracked as a business. And with life comes possibilities. Things can get better! Or worse! But hopefully better! So with that, here are a bunch of things we should all be thankful for.
Yep, while a bunch of other awful nonsense dominated the headlines, ISIS was utterly obliterated on the battlefield, and no longer controls any major cities anywhere. Suck it, dicks!
Kristi Harrison, on why sexual assault victims don't come forward:
Now that you -- an interesting, fun, smart, ambitious person who has a million things to accomplish -- have been assaulted or harassed, you have a choice. You can tuck this Bad Thing away in your brain and keep living your life as normally as possible, or you can step into the second part of the nightmare of assault: the part where you describe the experience over and over again in front of people who may or may not believe you, who might actually be paid to tear you to shreds in public, and who can destroy every dream or ambition you've ever had for yourself. Oh, and if you choose to step forward, your name and your assailant's name will be linked forever and ever, even after you die. When people think of you, they'll also think of him. That's what you're signing up for when you come forward.
If you've got stuff to say and a certain knack for saying it, regardless of your background, you can click here and get paid to do it, plus have your voice heard by hundreds of thousands of people. Kristi clicked that exact link about ten years ago, and now she runs that whole thing. Maybe years from now you can depose her and take over! End her cruel reign!
When a few dozen white nationalists rallied in Tennessee last month, nearly a thousand people showed up to counter them. And that's the ratio you see everywhere. We outnumber them by a hilarious margin. The opposite only seems true because they create the illusion of numbers via noise. That's always been their trick -- don't fall for it.
The future is here, and I wouldn't go back for any reason.
Did you know that Donald Trump may have stunted the growth of extremist nationalist movements around the world, merely by putting a clownish face on them? There's something to be said for bringing hidden ugliness out into the light.
I mean, their reaction didn't prevent them from being enslaved by the giant robot spider, but it was still awkward.
If you like Cracked and want to support what we do, you can become a subscriber by clicking here, and in the process make the ads go away and get lots of bonus stuff (including access to a huge number of Stitcher's premium podcasts, in addition to ours). If you don't feel like committing to something as serious as a subscription, but want to throw us a few dollars to keep the content flowing or just assuage your guilt over blocking the ads, you can do that by clicking here.
I had to look this up: It is in fact a HAPPYCOW-brand Cow Cleaning Machine. The cows can turn it on by rubbing up against it. WHY DON'T THEY MAKE THESE FOR PEOPLE? Every office should have one of these in the corner.
Teen pregnancies have plummeted 51 percent in a decade -- an incredibly fast turnaround for a public health issue. Our ability to mobilize as a society and change behavior is unprecedented, even if it's not always used for good.
This needs the audio:
We walk around thinking we're brilliant, no matter how many times we get our head stuck in an alligator or our genitals stuck in an alligator. I can prove it: I think I'm smart enough to write an article on intelligence, and the only book I've read is the movie Bloodsport.
That's Seanbaby, from this article about the five stupidest kinds of people.
Specifically, that John Cheese has a site on which he can get real about poverty and where he's from. Also, that lots and lots of people were willing to read it, and that people still care.
That site is this one, and our process for finding writers is the same one we've had since 2007: Join up and start submitting article ideas. We don't care who you are or where you're from.
"There have been spottings of a cougar [turns to point] and that's not it, that looks like a housecat ... "
... While the mirror dog repeatedly tries to do the same.
I swear I didn't make this, a couple of random readers posted it out of the blue:
(That's my book!)
His name is Daryl Davis. He does it peacefully, and has been hugely successful at it. Monsters change their minds, kids. All the time. I sure as hell did.
Once upon a time, this site was nothing but a bunch of articles. Now we have three separate successful podcasts -- Cracked Movie Club, Cracked Gets Personal (aka interviews with amazing people) and the original Cracked Podcast, which has always been hosted by Alex Schmidt and no one else. We have several more in the works that I don't want to spoil for you.
We're up to around two million subscribers on the ol' Youtube channel, and we now have a channel on Amazon Prime, and a whole bunch of shows which, in my unbiased opinion, include some of the best stuff anyone is making. Also, TELEPORTING BOARS:
We want to keep making stuff, and let the people making the stuff buy food. You probably hate looking at ads. Consider subscribing to solve both of those problems, or if you want to toss a few spare dollars in our imaginary tip jar, contribute here.
David Wong is the Executive Editor at Cracked, and his new book has a perfect five-star rating on Amazon after more than 250 reviews. That means it's apparently the best thing ever written!
If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Or sign up for our Subscription Service for exclusive content, an ad-free experience, and more.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel and check out Cracked Classic: A Holiday News Report from the Horrifying Future, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook. Please and thank you.