4

Millennials (Almost) Killed The Wine Cork

Couleur/Pixabay

"How Millennials (Almost) Killed the Wine Cork" isn't news; that's discussing the survival of a friend attacked by a vicious brute. Because anyone celebrating the survival of wine corks absolutely says shit like "vicious brute." And prefers old vintages to young people. Blaming kids for attacking wine corks is when Cruella de Vil starts pulling up her puppy-skin collar to pretend she hasn't seen you in the street.

weinstock/Pixabay

Prepare your fainting couch before reading another sentence from The Atlantic: "Millennial wine drinkers, a generation that has less of an allegiance to traditional cork closures ..."

When a generation is judged by allegiance to a 17th-Century wine closer, it's because the writer's upset they can't be converted into Soylent Green. A 2015 report by the Wine Market Council, which I'm imagining as the world's most inebriated Illuminati, reported that companies are using screw caps to appeal to millennials. Presumably because millennials don't give a shit what's used to close a wine bottle, as long as there's wine in it. The Wine Council doesn't come to that conclusion, but I used a bottle of wine while writing this, so who's the real expert now? Anyone who attends a Wine Market Council meeting sober should be fired.

grutka/Pixabay

3

Millennials Are Killing The Golf Industry

TheDalleyLama/Pixabay

2

Hey Millennials, Stop Killing the Vacation!

piper60/Pixabay

Inc.com applies blaming the victim across an entire generation.

Inc

Inc

In the modern office, millennials are more replaceable than printer ink. That shit has to be paid for, and can refuse to work if it's not properly set up with the right equipment. So they're scared to do the smallest thing which might result in them getting shitcanned. Millennials aren't killing the vacation; they've been forced to cannibalize what was killed by external disasters in order to survive. They're not workaholics; they just enjoy not starving to death.

Inc's utterly opened asshole of a column admits all of that, then goes ahead and blames millennials anyway, insisting it's on them to oppose the world's conversion into a vast work camp. It regurgitates a report from the sanctimonious staff of "Project: Time Off," who feel the need to explain to workers that taking time off feels nice. No shit, you need a focus group for that? You'd think that it would only take three words to say "Weekends are fun!" but Project: Time Off manages to do it with one long, extended fart noise. Brace yourself for the most rage-inducing tech shit ever dumped through your eyeballs:

Join us in disrupting the vacation stigma.

But instead of advocating and organizing the requisite national strikes, Project: Time Off's entire strategy seems to be talking about their last holiday and motivational posters.

Project: Time Off

1

Why Aren't Millennials Buying Diamonds?

vdvyver/Pixabay

That's the question asked by The Economist, which makes you wonder if they even know what a millennium is or have noticed anything since this one started. Imagine Good Cooking Monthly asking "Why don't we use basilisk venom?" in a guest column by Lord Voldemort. Because it kills people and everything the asshole has ever told us about it is fictional.

Wenceslaus Hollar via Wikimedia Commons

The depression of the diamond trade is a wonderful example of millennial success. Before the internet, your only information about diamonds came from the people advertising them and other people agreeing that you should be impressed. But now, we know so much more about almost everything. True, many people still don't give a shit about most of it, but there is still more shit-giving than there used to be, and it will only increase as a new generation embraces their magic boxes which tell us about anything, anywhere, any time. Making silicon chips far more beautiful than carbon crystals.

Nauticaa/Pixabay

Diamonds do have a few genuine uses (like creating twice the pressure of our planet's core and forcing matter into new phases with an awesome Diamond Anvil). Which is why we're making artificial diamonds which are superior in almost every way and getting better all the time. This may be the most flawless combination of improving technologies and exterminating an exploitative industry. The diamond industry blaming millennials is a real-world Scooby-Doo plot, an old industry getting annoyed at the inquisitive kids for seeing through some false advertising and trick lighting.

None of which excuses The Economist, which paints the picture of a bored hypillionaire chewing fried genetically-reconstructed dodo wings as they discuss how a huge new diamond ripped from Botswana might possibly "enhance the image of an industry that is struggling to sell to the "millennial" generation. Young consumers increasingly shun the taint of conflict and exploitation." I've never read a paragraph which so clearly contained the word "insolent" without actually using it, holding even the concept of a new generation in quotation marks as if it was something platinum tongs pulled from the sole of their diamond shoes.

dom974/Pixabay

Diamond merchants are never, ever the struggling party in any situation they encounter. Anyone referring to the next generation as "young consumers" is their enemy by default. Then theres the discussion of them shunning the "taint" of conflict and exploitation as if they were fussy infants who've suddenly decided they don't like the color of their baby food.

Why aren't millennials buying diamonds? Because millennials can see through the bullshit.

Luke describes how The Cassini Probe Proves We're Not Living in the Matrix, and Scientists Announcing A Warp Drive.

Enjoy more millennial fun with 6 Shady Ways The Media Makes Millennials Look Like Idiots and 5 Complaints About Modern Teens That Are Statistically BS.

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