5 Things This Generation Is Trying To Render Extinct

Millennials are blamed for more problems than Gremlins, and are treated as less human. There's a browser plugin which changes the word "millennials" to "snake people," and it's more sympathetic than most headlines, which paint them as an alien species that has descended to destroy everything humanity has ever known. But most of the things they're killing are in self-defense. If the world didn't want these five products dead, then they shouldn't have made them so s****y.

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5
Millennials Are Killing The Paper Napkin Industry

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"Millennials are killing the paper napkin industry" cries Business Insider, because defending soiled products against the next generation of humanity is exactly what internalizing capitalism does to you. Most people are now using kitchen paper towels instead of napkins, in the same way that most people now speak languages instead of a series of grunts worked out with their fellow cave-dwellers. It might lack that homely touch, but it's much more widely applicable.

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This man would kill you for one soft ass-wiping sheet.

The Washington Post reports on "style mavens" seemingly screaming from their front porches at those dang kids with their skateboards and paper towels. I don't know what it takes to be baffled by paper towel usage, but if I did, I wouldn't be writing this article; I'd be spitting on Oliver Twist as he begged me for a sixpence. The mavens scoff as if using something cheaper and more widely applicable was a scandal on par with sleeping with the kitchen staff. One writer had to explain that dinner parties are a lot less common than they used to be, and this was quite a concern for me, until I realized that I wasn't a side character in Downton Abbey.

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This one isn't just throwing away traditionally useless items. Killing napkins is environmental self-defense. Shredding forests to create slightly smaller versions of other tissues to sell in more expensive boxes is worse than anything Captain Planet ever fought. Napkins were only invented because the previous generation couldn't be bothered to do laundry. Or rather, putting another item into the laundry they were doing anyway. Using napkins is basically telling nature, "Look. You seem like a great person. It's just that we want different things. You want to stay around, and I want little scraps of paper that the people sitting at my dinner table will forget about almost instantly."

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4
Millennials (Almost) Killed The Wine Cork

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"How Millennials (Almost) Killed the Wine Cork" isn't news; that's discussing the survival of a friend attacked by a vicious brute. Because anyone celebrating the survival of wine corks absolutely says s**t like "vicious brute." And prefers old vintages to young people. Blaming kids for attacking wine corks is when Cruella de Vil starts pulling up her puppy-skin collar to pretend she hasn't seen you in the street.

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If only there was some technology to plug these people so stuff doesn't come out.

Prepare your fainting couch before reading another sentence from The Atlantic: "Millennial wine drinkers, a generation that has less of an allegiance to traditional cork closures ..."

When a generation is judged by allegiance to a 17th-Century wine closer, it's because the writer's upset they can't be converted into Soylent Green. A 2015 report by the Wine Market Council, which I'm imagining as the world's most inebriated Illuminati, reported that companies are using screw caps to appeal to millennials. Presumably because millennials don't give a s**t what's used to close a wine bottle, as long as there's wine in it. The Wine Council doesn't come to that conclusion, but I used a bottle of wine while writing this, so who's the real expert now? Anyone who attends a Wine Market Council meeting sober should be fired.

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Any problem which can't be solved with a full bottle of wine can then be dissuaded with the empty one.

Wine corks suck. You need a special tool to remove them. You need another special tool to re-close a bottle. A non-zero percentage simply fail, ruining the wine, or crumble into it at the last second. They demonstrate almost every problem we invented metal and plastic tools to solve. If I'm going to have something go wrong with wine and end up destroying things, it's going to be after I drink it, not before. And "cork taint" sounds like an infection you'd get from having a little too much wine and way too much imagination.

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Complaining about corks is nonsensical. It's been shown that expert wine tasting is imaginary. We don't mind people spending tens of thousands of dollars pretending it's possible to truly taste the difference. They're paying extra to enjoy the sensation, so it doesn't matter if it's psychosomatic. It's probably the least damaging ludicrously rich a*****e indulgence. But anyone who knows wines by year doesn't get to mock kids for catching Pokemon. And the fact remains that anyone who can really tell the difference between corked and capped wine has a spectroscope in their nasal cavity, because they're a T-800 sent back to humiliate Lord Jonathan Connerington-Smythe before he can make a cutting remark about Monsier Jacquard's new Skienette Loom.

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No hangover but what we make.

The only reason to defend wine corks is that you want to make more money by the bottle. Right on cue:

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I swear this isn't satire

Listen, if popping the cork was really part of the "wine experience," we'd all get wasted on sheets of bubble wrap.

3
Millennials Are Killing The Golf Industry

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Behold an analyst statement which puts the cart of golf clubs before the horse, then worries about its low speed while the animal dies of malnutrition.

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Tweeting this is on par with "Yes, fellow humans, let's put down our weapons and open the airlock."

Regular golfing requires so many luxurious securities that it should rank between Earl and Baronet. Business Insider complains that millennials aren't golfing while the boomers are dying off. Past headlines probably complained about these mammallennials flourishing after the asteroid strike, while the dinosaurs were wearing striped jumpers and little caps and clutching clubs in their tiny forepaws. Wait, those dinosaurs sound awesome. Plus, I've got a great idea for a movie in which a T-Rex has to win a golf tournament to save Jurassic Park from closing.

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This summer, get a Jurassic Par.

Golf isn't so much being killed off as it's being sloughed off. It's evolution getting rid of anaerobic respiration because it's monstrously inefficient and benefits ridiculously few living things. This is millennials as the mammals "killing" the dinosaurs. All wars are fought for territory, and this is the class battle for the countryside. Golf is the sporting embodiment of capitalism: a huge area set aside for a few rich people to use to celebrate the fact that they're amazing at something simple. Golf benefits fewer people per money spent than the space program, and requires more ridiculously specialized equipment. And an astronaut has never had anyone arrested for wandering into a space station.

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Right now, far too many millennials don't have medical insurance. If you want them to start buying golf memberships, you could put a free clinic in the 18th hole. Millennials would tear each other apart trying to get to it, at which point everything would be going according to your plan.

2
Hey Millennials, Stop Killing the Vacation!

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Inc.com applies blaming the victim across an entire generation.

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Don't punch through your screen yet, it gets worse.

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We shouldn't have stopped you.

In the modern office, millennials are more replaceable than printer ink. That s**t has to be paid for, and can refuse to work if it's not properly set up with the right equipment. So they're scared to do the smallest thing which might result in them getting shitcanned. Millennials aren't killing the vacation; they've been forced to cannibalize what was killed by external disasters in order to survive. They're not workaholics; they just enjoy not starving to death.

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Inc's utterly opened a*****e of a column admits all of that, then goes ahead and blames millennials anyway, insisting it's on them to oppose the world's conversion into a vast work camp. It regurgitates a report from the sanctimonious staff of "Project: Time Off," who feel the need to explain to workers that taking time off feels nice. No s**t, you need a focus group for that? You'd think that it would only take three words to say "Weekends are fun!" but Project: Time Off manages to do it with one long, extended fart noise. Brace yourself for the most rage-inducing tech s**t ever dumped through your eyeballs:

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Join us in disrupting the vacation stigma.

But instead of advocating and organizing the requisite national strikes, Project: Time Off's entire strategy seems to be talking about their last holiday and motivational posters.

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Their ONLY resources are "posting bullshit to social media" and they still suck at it.

That is the least problem-solving group in the world. Don't tell over-stressed workers buried under debt and unpaid overtime that taking a break would be good for them, because they're not allowed to break your face. You want to help people? Get minimum income going. That fixes so much more than your smug reminder that maybe a day at the beach would be great. It's pretty easy to discuss the importance of vacations at your job when that's your entire job.

1
Why Aren't Millennials Buying Diamonds?

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That's the question asked by The Economist, which makes you wonder if they even know what a millennium is or have noticed anything since this one started. Imagine Good Cooking Monthly asking "Why don't we use basilisk venom?" in a guest column by Lord Voldemort. Because it kills people and everything the a*****e has ever told us about it is fictional.

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Mmm, tastes like Basilisk.

The depression of the diamond trade is a wonderful example of millennial success. Before the internet, your only information about diamonds came from the people advertising them and other people agreeing that you should be impressed. But now, we know so much more about almost everything. True, many people still don't give a s**t about most of it, but there is still more s**t-giving than there used to be, and it will only increase as a new generation embraces their magic boxes which tell us about anything, anywhere, any time. Making silicon chips far more beautiful than carbon crystals.

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"Yeah, we're always looking at our phones because they tell us when you're TALKING s**t."

Diamonds do have a few genuine uses (like creating twice the pressure of our planet's core and forcing matter into new phases with an awesome Diamond Anvil). Which is why we're making artificial diamonds which are superior in almost every way and getting better all the time. This may be the most flawless combination of improving technologies and exterminating an exploitative industry. The diamond industry blaming millennials is a real-world Scooby-Doo plot, an old industry getting annoyed at the inquisitive kids for seeing through some false advertising and trick lighting.

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None of which excuses The Economist, which paints the picture of a bored hypillionaire chewing fried genetically-reconstructed dodo wings as they discuss how a huge new diamond ripped from Botswana might possibly "enhance the image of an industry that is struggling to sell to the "millennial" generation. Young consumers increasingly shun the taint of conflict and exploitation." I've never read a paragraph which so clearly contained the word "insolent" without actually using it, holding even the concept of a new generation in quotation marks as if it was something platinum tongs pulled from the sole of their diamond shoes.

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Scratching the s**t out of steel-toed boots.

Diamond merchants are never, ever the struggling party in any situation they encounter. Anyone referring to the next generation as "young consumers" is their enemy by default. Then theres the discussion of them shunning the "taint" of conflict and exploitation as if they were fussy infants who've suddenly decided they don't like the color of their baby food.

Why aren't millennials buying diamonds? Because millennials can see through the bullshit.

Luke describes how The Cassini Probe Proves We're Not Living in the Matrix, and Scientists Announcing A Warp Drive.

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Enjoy more millennial fun with 6 Shady Ways The Media Makes Millennials Look Like Idiots and 5 Complaints About Modern Teens That Are Statistically BS.

Luke writes ZERO POINT COMEDY science humor, has a mailing list, and responds to every single tweet.

Learn how the generation gap makes it impossible for us to all get along in 5 Lies Millennials And Baby Boomers Believe About Each Other.

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