This piece was written by the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Look, we try to distract you all from reality with our funny jokes and silly photoshops, but at the end of the day we all need to put our hands on our hips, square our jaw, look the real world dead in the eye, and accept the terrible truth: The Matrix is gonna happen, and we all need to learn to code. What, were you expecting something about jobs, or how it's a fun and practical hobby? Sure, that's all true, and it's a great way to carve out a career, but it's not as important as what you're really going to be using this stuff for: murdering robots. So let's get started.
This collection of coding classes will teach you everything from GoLang to C++ to PHP and MySQL. No matter how the evil roto-laser mainframe is programmed, you'll be able to shut it down and prevent Doomsday, provided you take these courses.
This is $1,783.99 worth of classes that can be yours from the Cracked Shop for just $29.
Amazon Web Services (AWS) is a cloud computing service and a powerful tool in the battle against the machines. This AWS Certified Architect Developer Bundle will take you through everything you need to do to harness this powerful tool to build your own programs from the ground up, and then utilize those programs to lay waste to the robo-armies and save mankind.
These $984.93 worth of skills are available in the Cracked Shop (for a limited time) for just $25.
Microsoft Azure is used by 85% of Fortune 500 companies, and Azure Architects are raking in some serious salaries that are 50% above average, so you can be 100% sure that Azure is going to be an important part of the war against the machines. Don't be afraid to do what you have to.
This is $387 worth of robo-combat knowledge, available now in the Cracked Shop for just $19.
Scrum, Agile XP, and Project Management skills -- all these things will help you in your programming career, which will help you make connections to people who understand machines, which will give you the edge that you need to survive, both in the workforce and in the robot uprising. Plus the super high salary you'll be earning will make your life a lot more comfortable.
The $1,170 worth of training has been reduced to $39 for a limited time in the Cracked Shop.
You can't just learn Six Sigma in an afternoon. You need comprehensive training over a few hundred hours, and this comprehensive certification collection has all the tools you need to put in those hours.
This is $1,649.91 worth of training available in the Cracked Shop for just $35.
Machine Learning is exactly what it sounds like -- machines using data to adapt and change on their own. People who have completed this training bundle aren't just more valuable in the workplace now; they're going to be vital to the resistance effort by 2035 or so.
The $1,600 worth of training is available now in the Cracked Shop for just $35. That's 97% off.
Not everyone can be hacking evil robots in the future. Somebody is going to have to organize supplies, coordinate watches, and make sure everyone clocks in for the team building exercises. If you know Microsoft Excel, then that person can be you. And it'll make you waaaaay more hirable in the meantime.
Music production is a growing field, and it's only going to get more complicated as hipsters keep inventing new instruments out of vegetables. The ultimate Logic Pro X Music Production Bundle will help you understand the basics of all the programs you could ever need to lay down some sweet tracks for podcasts, YouTube, MP3s, or replicating the dulcet tones of a rad potato flute.
Normally $690, you can get eight courses in the Cracked Shop right now for just $29.
We don't know exactly how the robots will communicate, but we can be sure that it'll involve the cloud (and gratuitous use of beeps and boops). These nine courses will teach you everything about the cloud, from Microsoft Azure to getting other people started with cloud computing to becoming a complete Google Data Engineer and Cloud architect.
Normally $1,476, you can get all these courses in the Cracked Shop for just $39.
You got this, superstar. Your Future's So Bright You Gotta Learn Code.
Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.