Fast Times at Ridgemont High
, realized they didnât need all
of these effects to weaponize THC, they just needed the incapacitating ones. By isolating just a few of the stereoisomers (those are âconfigurations of atoms,â or âbig science words that I skipped over,â depending on how hard you want to look smart on the Internet) they were able to cause a dramatic and instantaneous drop in blood pressure, to the point where victims either became completely paralyzed, or could only move in slow motion, and even then only with assistance.
"You ever feel like you're moving through thick peanut butter? Holy s**t I want some peanut butter!"
In other words, they did it: They successfully weaponized pot.
Well before the hippies ever took marijuana as the official drug of peace and love, the U.S. Army took it as the official drug of crippling one's enemies (or at least knocking them loose from the chronostream). So, why arenât all our troops armed with time-shifting weed guns on the battlefield today? Well, in part because that drop in blood pressure scared the researchers off of further human testing, but mostly because marijuana--even if youâre just experimenting with it (in this case, madly)--is a gateway drug: The Army moved on to harder s**t to get their kicks.
Ketchum would later experiment with the effects of Ritalin, BZ (a potent hallucinogen) and even PCP, until eventually settling on LSD as the most promising prospect for a pacification drug. In his LSD tests, he cites reports of soldiers âriding imaginary horses, eating invisible chickens and taking showers in full uniform while smoking phantom cigars,â but for a better glimpse at such hilarious old-timey military acid-trip antics, just
watch this video
. It's not of the actual
experiments in question--these are British troops--but it's basically the same deal.
Except they probably call it something classier than "tripping balls," and all of their hallucinations say "please" and "thank you."
At one point, Ketchum's book recounted the morning he arrived on base, opened the door to his office, and saw âa large, black steel barrel, resembling an oil drum, parked in the corner of the room.â When he opened it, he found 40 pounds of ultra-concentrated government-manufactured LSD. Enough for several hundred million people
to trip balls. At the end of the week, before they could make use of the substance, Ketchum says the barrel vanished without a trace.
Thatâs right: At some point in the early 60s, the United States Government "completely lost" a giant black barrel full of enough super-acid to dose up an entire continent. Yep, riiiight around the time an active, politically minded, anti-war movement was starting among the young people, a lifetime supply of enough experimental pacifying drug to render every single one of them a useless, confused, rambling mess up and "disappeared."
And that "movement" turned into this.
But hell, maybe this weed article is just making me paranoid. Maybe it really is just lost. If so, and if you have seen this barrel, please contact the proper authorities immediately... which are me. Contact me immediately. I have a used Kia that I am willing to barter and I am very interested in rage-f**king the cosmos or at least acquiring complete immunity to fire.
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots, or you can go here and learn how to make your own crude hash oil, in the interests of science. Hilariously irresponsible science.
Recommended For Your Pleasure