The Unicode Consortium. I knew they existed. I told my friends, my family, everyone, but did they believe me? Nooo, they told me I was being "paranoid," "obsessive," and that I needed to "stop shouting in their face and put on some pants." Well, who's the crazy shut-in now, huh?
Not only has The Unicode Consortium come out of the shadows with their recenty leaked memo, but they have outright admitted that they are the sinister cabal responsible for the poo emoji, and in fact, all emojis. I'm sorry, but I don't remember voting for these people. And now they control our emojis? What's next, The Winky Face Syndicate that decides when it's creepy/not creepy to use a winky face? And if you improperly use a winky face, they show up at your home and send you to "sleep with the fishes" ;) ;)?
Apparently, they have a website, and require you to pay a fee to join the consortium. Who else requires you to pay to join? Cults, and Costco, both of which offer unholy bargains and require uniforms that utilize khakis. What I'm saying is this Unicode Consortium is a cult, a dangerous one, that is attacking our language by turning us all into mindless emoji-spewing gibbons.
We will be unable to defend ourselves from the dark horse political superpower that is the Unicode Consortium when they decide to unveil themselves. By that point, we'll have forgotten the written word, and will resort to typing "ghost, fireman, salsa dancer" emojis to try in vain to warn our friends we are being abducted by the International Unicode Consortium's paramilitary enforcers. They already have a creepy eyeball looking insignia, just like ANOTHER shadowy cabal people refuse to acknowledge exists (the Lizardmen/Illuminati).
Frankly I'm surprised I've been able to exercise my first amendment rights in writing this without getting whisked away to a blacksite by the Unicode Consortium's jack booted thu-
Hello sweet reader. The Unicode Consortium is a harmless, non-profit organization created for the betterment of all humanity. Remain calm. All is well :)
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