Pictured: The Kappa, an ancient Japanese water-demon.A pretty young girl in the prime of her life is frolicking with her female friends on a local beach, when a monster appears! It's a setup good enough kickoff half of the Friday the 13th movies, but these young sex-vixens weren't murdered in alphabetical order while the survivors grieve by stripping off their tops and offering to split up, because the so-called âmonsterâ was already dead.
"Forget about game / I spit the truth!" -Dr. ScienceThe Reveal: Surely a police officer wouldn't throw away his entire career on a sub-par hoax, right? At the very least, this âdiscoveryâ is going to be a master-minded con, right? Nope. Turns out that âbigfootâ was really just a cheap Halloween costume the two men bought over the Internet--the most traceable of transaction methods--and stuffed with possum guts then chucked into a freezer. When asked how they thought they were going to fake DNA evidence under intensive public scrutiny, the master magicians shrugged, mumbled something under their breath and only when pressed admitted that they had little to no understanding of what the word DNA meant. âIt's like one of those Jap cars, right?â Offered one con-artist, before jamming his finger so far up his nose it caused a mild seizure.
"BLOOORAAARRRGHH! LIGHT BURN!" -Rush LimbaughThe Reveal: When not digesting Boba Fett over a period of one thousand years, tubifex worms enjoy conglomerating in RaleighÂ sewers and confusing the hell out of Internet science cowboys. That's right, the so called âsewer creature" was, in fact, just a handful of bait. The worms, in the absence of soil, had coiled around each other, and the pulsating you see is the result of one worm twitching, which in turn caused all of the others to do the same, like a giant game of sub-metropolitan grabass. They're exceedingly rare, these colonies, but experts wanted to assure the public that there was no need for concern: The worms, though odd, are a natural part of life in the sewer.
All part of the circle of life.Further, the water department assured the public that any water passing by the colony would be thoroughly treated before making its way to your sinksâ¦ then they issued a statement retracting their former statement, because the creature was supposedly in a private sewer system. But they quickly reassured the public again that it still posed no danger. The Water Bureau then issued a declaration of â no-take-backsâ and then held a press conference to assure everybody that it was ânot un-opposite day.â Long story short, the worms probably pose no threat to anybody, save for disappointing everyone that still wants to believe in magic and monsters. If you're one of those people who
Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.