My first, fifth, eighth, sixteenth, twentieth and thirty second wife. The pants are atrocious, but otherwise she's ok.
First sexual encounter
Lindsey's friend Katy came over today. They talked about horses for about half an hour and then talked about how boys were gross. Katy, whose parents don't keep tabs on her television watching I'm guessing, tried to explain the concept of sex to Lindsey, who simply was not getting it. Finally Katy grabbed Ice Capades Barbie and me, stripped off all of our clothes and started banging us together in some crude semblance of the reproductive act. I found it unsatisfying, as all my encounters with the Barbies are, when Katy said something that shed some light on my circumstances. Apparently I don't have any genitals. What the f**k?
This is really bothering me, and it's hard to verbalize specifically why. Until yesterday I didn't know anything was missing from my life. Yet now that I know about the existence of junk, and the fact that mine isn't there, I can't think about anything else. It'd be like if there was a deaf guy, who lived by himself his whole life, and never met anyone so never even comprehended that people could speak and hear sounds. And then one day people come to his house, and they're the first people he's ever met, and they're jabbering back and forth at each other, and he can't figure out why and then one of them writes down on a piece of paper (he can still read) "Your penis is missing."
I am that guy.
Oh f**k, yes. I'm going camping! This is the first time I think I've been out of the house. Because Lindsey is stupid and careless, normally only Hawaiian Fun Barbie is allowed outdoors, a fact obvious to anyone who's observed her weathered hide or pungent bouquet. I am totally serious - she smells like dog s**t. Anyways, the whole family is going on a camping trip, and I get to ride in the f*****g car with everyone.