YouTube - Mary Roach, but she'll change it to Guilbeaux if she makes it to Hollywood. It has more "Star Quality."
7. Dennis Keith
America's Got Talent
Magic has been waging war against gravity for years, and Dennis Keith has been drafted into it. He tells the judges, "I will demonstrate for you! My ability! In the art! Of self-levitation!" The only problem is that he's too fat to self-levitate without an assistant, and wait there's a second problem:
No amount of prestidigitation is a match for a lifetime of doughnut abuse. Dennis lays down between two folding chairs, and when his assistant pulls one out from under him... ta da-WHAM! Thanks for being a dick, science: fat people still can't fly. Maybe the magic part is that his lungs didn't liquefy when his torso slammed into the stage with the force of a thousand exploding hams.
YouTube - This Just In: Fat Idiot Levitates Badly
6. Hector Ortega
The contestants on American Inventor
are a unique kind of failure. On American Idol
, the kids are relatable. We've all pictured being a rock star, and it only takes one boy band video to support the theory that anyone can do it. Even if you've never hit a note in your life, there's a five minute window during anyone's childhood where you'd try out for American Idol
AND expect to win. American Inventor
isn't like that.
These people have been stewing in their own crazy for decades, driven by pet rock dreams. Right now, someone out there is making a helmet that screams for up to three kinds of help or a cannon that no duck can escape, and nothing in the world will convince them that they're not holding the patent this generation's cotton gin. Hector Ortega is that kind of man.
The years of inventing have not been kind to Hector Ortega. If local police ever get a report of Christopher Walken's week-old corpse rising from the grave, Hector Ortega will be shot on sight. Luckily, with the Bladder Buddy he invented, he can piss his pants discretely. It's the bathroom you carry with you!
The Bladder Buddy combines a suit carrier and pissing in a bag for an exciting public urination experience. It's a simple 917 step process. First, you have it with you. Next, you pull the Bladder Buddy out of its convenient tent bag. Third, apply it to your entire body. Finally, place your dick in a plastic bag and pee. With only your head exposed, it safely keeps your arms and hands trapped away from disgusted, punching onlookers.
Cleanup is a snap too! Simply store whatever urine made it into the bag in your hand while you begin the fun process of removing and refolding the Bladder Buddy. Oh, and ladies, he's thought of you too! Why walk all the way to the bathroom in those high heels when you can jam a paper funnel up in there and piss in a plastic cocoon where you stand? You filthy bitch!
Sadly, they didn't let Hector and his piss bag through. But I imagine on the way home, while shitting out the window of his moving car, he had his greatest idea yet: Autopants--The Toilet You Wear. It also holds two drinks and charges with a cigarette lighter. Sorry ladies, funnel attachment not included.
YouTube - Blah! Bladda Buddy! Blah!
Tune in Next Thursday for the gripping Top Five conclusion!
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