What It's Like To (Literally) Be Screwed By Trump's Cabinet

Ambassador Kislyak

The man at the center of all this Russian brouhaha is the man at the center of your most carnal urges. Kislyak exudes a raw, manateeasing sexual magnetism. When Kislyak catches your eye, your butthole is soon to follow.

What's in store for those of us lucky enough to grace Kislyak's bed? First and foremost, there is no bed, only a pile of vodka-scented laundry near a space heater. He'll start the dance of seduction by moving those jowls just so, tenderly basting his most luscious curves with butter. Soon enough he'll be basting yours -- with love butter!

You're going to have to do most of the work with Kisylak, since he's not much of a marathon man and generally just showing up is the extent of his effort. Like the proverbial Russian bear, expect deep, guttural growling and a bowel movement in the forest when he's done.

Jeff Sessions

The Keebler Elves are known for their skill with cookies and Jeff Beauregard Sessions is absolutely going to E.L. Fudge you right up against his tree trunk once he gets you alone. His confirmation hearings proved he's a man able to keep a secret, so you needn't worry that he won't be discreet when it comes to nuzzling his little Keebler into your cookie jar.

Like a rabbit on Adderall, Sessions is lithe and remarkably quick. Bring extra lube to avoid a serious friction burn. A fine coating of peach fuzz over 90 percent of his body ensures the entire ride will feel like being ravaged by the most comfortable pair of pajamas ever, albeit it one with small, wiry hands.

Donald Trump

The Cockmander In Chief himself will be willing to go the extra mile to make it seem like you two had a wild night, up to and including paying for you to be seen in public with him before taking you home and leaving you alone while he goes to watch TV.

In real life, of course, Donald Trump has never had actual sex. Don't worry about his kids, that proves nothing. Despite easy access to patented Trump-brand duct-tape-and-popsicle-stick penis splints, his unfortunate cube-shaped penis is generally unable to properly meld with human anatomy. But that won't stop him from groping at you while on the phone with his favorite radio DJ, telling them just how much you're enjoying every salt-encrusted fingernail stinging its way across your mucus membrane.

Mike Pence

The lights are on, as is the television. It's the 15th of the month in the Pence household and that means sex night. It will occur at 9:30 p.m. and will continue until 9:45 p.m., allowing time for pre-coitus groin spritzing and post-coitus commentary. You, acting as Pence's confirmed Hump-Partner, will not deviate from the itinerary.

At 9:30 the Pence Hump-Partner will remove the suit from Mr. Pence and place Mr. Pence in his high-backed, oak lambing chair.

At 9:35 the Pence Hump-Partner will insert cassette "Robertson" into the VHS player and commence playing a highlight reel of Pat Robertson's most moving television appearances. Concurrently, Mr. Pence will sit perfectly still.

At 9:37 Pence Hump-Partner will assume a supine position on the bed.

At 9:38 Mr. Pence will produce a series of cue cards like Bob Dylan in "Subterranean Homesick Blues." Each card is to feature an instruction such as "faster," "not so fast," and "more spite."

At 9:39 the pleasure begins. Pence Hump-Partner is to follow the cue card directions without question or commentary. Concurrently Mr. Pence will glare without blinking for the remainder.

At 9:42 the pleasure will cease and the cue cards will be retrieved from the floor and stored in an appropriate location. Post-coitus commentary may now begin if appropriate.

At 9:43 it will be clear that post-coitus commentary is not appropriate. Pence Hump-Partner will dress Mr. Pence and leave immediately.

Steve Bannon

In the main hall of Bannon's Palace deep in the dunes on Tatooine, Steve Bannon sits atop his platform while Salacious Crumb scuttles about his tail. He watches his Twi'lek slave girl dance unconvincingly to the dulcet tones of anyone but Depeche Mode. Growing bored, his cruelty overcomes his interest in any further display and he drops her to the rancor below.

As time passes, a new slave girl is brought before Bannon. She is supple and lithe and would look good yet remarkably exploited in a gold bikini. Bannon makes it so immediately, and keeps her chained by his side. Though held against her will and enraged, the new slave girl is relatively unharmed as Bannon is, of course, simply a Hutt and appears to lack any genitalia. He will, however, lick her profusely and be generally disgusting.

Kellyanne Conway

On the couch. Shoes off. People watching.

When she's done she'll say you were the best she's had since Bowling Green.

Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

Like the Wonder Twins, the Trump boys' powers are inextricably linked and neither can maintain an erection without the other in the room. Working in tandem, DTJ will generally be the one to do the grunt work while Eric reads foreclosure notices and drips candle wax on his scrotum. Neither will allow eye contact and you must provide a list of assets before even being allowed on the premises.

At the moment of orgasm, expect both to tearfully cry out for their father with a soul-bruising emptiness in their voices.

Betsy DeVos

Ascribing cheerfully to the philosophy of "no pain no gain," every encounter with DeVos is best prefaced by a refresher course in what is medically possible. Traditional S&M as pioneered by the Marquis De Sade is generally considered somewhat pedestrian to DeVos, who espouses a less traditional and more Hellraiser-inspired variety.

Prepare for blood loss, bone removal, and the after-effects of sustained electrical charges, many of which will be internal.

Sean Spicer

The voice of the White House is a man used to the spotlight, hence his insistence on studio lighting in the bedroom. Foreplay begins with a pack of Big Red gum and a tub of Crisco. Once greased from head to toe, Spicer will begin to shout dirty talk and challenge you to a wrestling match. The Crisco will ensure Spicer is ungrippable, giving him the upper hand, which he will lord over you.

Once Crisco wrestling and the accompanying debasement has proved adequate to produce an erection, it's time to rock-paper-scissors for which of you has to squat down in front of the podium. Spicer always chooses rock. Rock hard!

During actual contact Spicer will scream loudly and wordlessly for the duration.