Ok now the other lane is faster. Of course it is. But I'm going to stick with this one. Normally this lane always gets faster by the off-ramp but is then slower by the on-ramp. This will work. I can feel it.
Ok, so it's backwards today, because of again, no doubt, my enemies.
Oh well that's better. Now we've all come to a stop. That's at least fair.
No. No. It's not fair. I'm the important one here. I should be going. People should be pulling over to make way for me. People should be driving into the ditch for me. Bus driver all yelling for everyone to try and keep their heads above water, me honking cheerily as I scoot by.
"Safe travels, sir!"
Is that? Is that that motherfucker? How did he get ahead of me? Is he a witch?
Is he on his phone?! I mean, I get that traffic's inching along, but still. That's not safe.
-idly strokes phone-
I should email work. Let them know I'm stuck in ... a hostage situation. I mean, I can't just tell everyone traffic was bad. "You should have left earlier then, this is important," they'll say. Before murdering me.
"I did leave early, traffic was that bad," I'll say, leaping into a defensive crouch.
Oh good, the motherfucker is off his phone. Good for ... is he eating oatmeal?
I should check the traffic report.
Music. Next station. Music -- next. Music -- next. Damn. Less rock, more talk please.
Ok, so it's not technically rock. Do people still listen to rock? Less ... electro influenced pop please, I guess.
Finally! Traffic! Ok. Ok. That's where I am. There is an accident! And people are slowing down to look! THOSE COLOSSAL FUCKERS. I am going to get murdered with a ceremonial halberd if I am any later.
You know you're not in regular trouble when the boss comes out swinging one of these.